Much to do about Trouwbottom

Writing

2011-12-02T07:34:00.001-05:00

I miss writing. I miss writing on my blog. I need to come back.

My Handsome Grandpa

2011-06-21T18:27:00.001-04:00

My Very Handsome Grandpa

By: Autumn Trouwborst

Father’s Day ~ June 19, 2011

My handsome grandpa is REALLY special. He is awesome and handsome. He also has blue eyes, gray hair, and is a little bit taller than me.

This is what he does that makes him special. He comforts me when I’m sad, worried, or nervous. My grandpa also takes me to places like to the store, out to eat, and a lot of other places too. One time he took me to the outlets and we went to Claire’s. Every summer he takes my family and me camping at Kingswood.

I love my grandpa so much because he’s caring, loving, smart, generous, and fun. This is what I would like to say to him,

“I love you sooooo much. I love you so much that I can’t

even think of a word that expresses my love to you.

Thanks for always being there for me.”

Someone

2011-06-13T17:42:00.000-04:00

Someone did not sleep at all last night . . .

Someone has me scared to death . . .

Someone is back on her old medication . . .

Someone is testing me as a momma . . .

Go check out "Someone's" blog . . .

The Car

2011-06-07T08:36:00.000-04:00

Well it has happened.

My 17-year-old has her own car.

I didn't want her to have it.

I fought it.

But alas, I finally gave in.

Her very generous Uncle Steve, my brother-in-law bought it for her.

She is responsible for the insurance.

What did he find for her????

This!

2002 Chrysler Sebring Limited Convertible!!!

Needless to say she is the coolest kid on the block!

I am going threw some grieving . . . my baby does not need me anymore. It's an odd feeling, I didn't think I would care but I do.

This is just another chapter in parenting. Wow, I can't believe I'm here already!

A blog for Autumn

2011-06-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

I have decided to make a separate blog just for Autumn.

She deserves it and it will help me keep all my thoughts together. God has sent me here to be Autumn's angel, protector, parent. It's an extremely hard job however I am blessed to have the privileged of being her mom.

Come over to A is for Autumn and check us out! Don't forget to "follow us" and leave a comment!

Do you ever?

2011-06-02T20:40:00.000-04:00

Do you ever wonder how I'm doing? .....
Do you ever think about what I'm doing? .....
Do you ever miss my friendship? .....
Do you ever miss making me laugh? .....
Do you ever miss finishing each other's sentences? .....
Do you ever miss saying "Good morning gorgeous"? .....
Do you ever wonder what happened to us? .....
Do you ever pick up your phone and want to text me? .....
Do you ever look at my picture on Facebook? .....
Do you ever wonder, what could have been? .....
Do you ever get caught thinking about me? .....
Do you ever miss being so connected to someone you could be hundreds of miles away but still feel so extremely close? .....
Do you ever regret not speaking to me? .....
Do you ever want to say sorry for breaking your heart? .....
Do you ever wonder if I think about you? .....
Do you ever wonder if I still love you? .....

I do
Every day
I do

Prom

2011-05-27T20:15:00.001-04:00

NEVER!!!

2011-05-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

Autumn, Rayne and I went to the Dentist yesterday. The hygienist asked Autumn how many times a day does she brush her teeth . . . Autumn shouted . . .

"NEVER!"

I guess that explains the 6 cavities they found! Good thing my best friend is our dentist!!!

Birth-Families

2011-05-25T11:16:00.001-04:00

After working with Adoptive Families for the past 11 years the Adoption Agency I work for has asked me to consider becoming a Birth-family Caseworker! Originally I never did work with birth mothers because when I started I was a single mom of a 1 and 6 year old so my flexibility just wasn't there. Eleven years later I'm a single mom of an 11 and 17 year old and I do have the flexibility.

I am both nervous and excited about this!!!! I'm going into talk to them about it this week!!! WOO HOO to new adventures!!!!

Drugs

2011-05-21T16:31:00.000-04:00

I believe in medication.

I also believe in the divine power of my God who can heal all things . . . if He wanted to. I also believe sometimes we are not healed for a reason, that we must go through certain things for a BIGGER cause, one we might not even see before we die.

I have never prayed for Autumn to be "cured" from her Autism, ADHD, or ODD. Not because I don't think God could do it . . . okay maybe I do have some doubt . . . but mostly because I it never crossed my mind to pray for a cure. When someone has a physical ailment the first thing I do is pray. So why, when someone is suffering mentally do I shy away from prayer?

I have never prayed for myself to be "cured" from my depression. Have I rebuked Satan and asked him to get behind me when I'm at the depths of despair? Absolutely! Has it worked? Absolutely! So why, when I'm suffering mentally do I shy away from prayer?

Am I too dependant on medication? I don't think I am. Medication for me is not my substitute for calling on Jesus. It's not my substitute for relying on God. I believe God gave me the medication as a way to survive. I also believe that God gave Autumn her medications as a way to survive.

I changed Autumn's medication last week. She went from Respridal to Geodon. Both are atypical anti-psychotic medications that treat schizophrenia and bi-polar however the FDA has recently approved these medications for children with Autism. With out them Autumn would be a wreck.

The transition has been smooth. She had one day that she did not have any medication in her system ... that was a bad day. Her hyper-sensitivity to sound was at a level so high I thought she was going to craw out of her skin. Every time someone chewed food she would freak out and cover her ears. I then gave her the Geodon 20mg starting one time a day on Sunday. Nights were rough but I couldn't give her a second dose until we knew she was doing ok on the Geodon. Today she got the 3pm dose and it's been great.

The best part about the switch??? It had the affect I wanted, her appetite is back to normal and hopefully she will now lose some of the weight she gained on the Resperdal.

The worst part about the switch??? Geodon does not have a generic so instead of paying $15 like I did for the Risperdal I have to pay $100!!! It's a sin. Thank goodness my parents have offered to pay my co-pay for me. They are such a blessing.

So for now Autumn and I are staying on our medications and we are better for it. We are able to love each other and other people and I believe God intended it that way.

My wonder drug?

2011-05-20T11:50:00.000-04:00

I don't want to jinx myself but I have been in an extremely good mood lately!!!!! YIPPEE!!!! When I went for my annual GYN exam at my Midwife's office I discussed my method of birth control. Over the past 2 years I have tried 3 types of birth control pills, each time I went on the pill I became severely depressed. I'm not in a relationship now so I don't need birth control but I'm a planner and with my two past pregnancies being totally not planned I like to be proactive and take precaution. I know this might be controversial, especially since I'm a single Christian woman but this is between me and God, not anyone else.

SOOOOO anyway my midwife and I decided that the Depo-Provera shot would be good for me. I was on it years ago and did not have any ill side effects so we decided to give it a shot (no pun intended:)!!! My midwife thinks that Estrogen is my enemy . . . all the pills I tried had Estrogen in them, even the lowest dose pill made me depressed. The Depo shot does not have any Estrogen, just Progesterone, which has a calming effect in some women. So 2 weeks ago I got my first shot.

I've been waiting, and waiting for the down feeling I usually get. Praise GOD I feel great!!!! I'm so motivated, so energized, and no down feelings!!!!!

Could the Depo Shot be my wonder drug??????

7

2011-05-10T23:17:00.001-04:00

For Mother's Day we took these photos for my MOM!!!!

The 3 daughters! Jill (42), Hilary (41), and Me (37)!!!

The 7 Grandkids!

Rayne (17), Aedan (11), Autumn (11), Teddy (10), Riley (6), Jake (5), Lucy (4)

COUSINS!

We are blessed they are growing up together!

SEVEN!

Rayne Theodora #1- The 1st grandchild (born to ME), spoiled for 5 1/2 years before another came along!

Aedan Shea #2- The 1st grandson, finally a boy to Hilary!

Autumn Grace #3- Born 4 months after Aedan to ME!

Theodore John #4- Born on September 11, 2000 one year after Autumn to Hilary!

Riley Ella #5- Born 4 years after Teddy to Hilary!

Jake Theodore #6- Born 8 months after Riley to Jill!

Lucy Elizabeth #7- Last but not least born 15 months after Jake to Jill!

Weight . . . UGH!

2011-05-09T09:42:00.001-04:00

My heart is breaking. I'm also filled with guilt. Autumn has gained so much weight over the past 2 years and I can't help but blame myself. I have also gained so much weight in the last 2 years, weight that I shouldn't be gaining becausae I had a gastric bypass in 2008. I can't blame anyone but myself for this.

So the story begins in June 2009 when I decided to put Autumn on Risperdone. It's an anti-psychotic drug used to help kids with symptoms of Autism. It did wonders for her instantly and I was so happy we tried it. Here Autumn is in 2009 right when she started the drug. She is so skinny here (largely due to Adderal, which she takes for her ADHD).

Autumn June 2009- Just started Risperdone

So the weight started to creep on slowly. I didn't notic it at first but if you look at pictures through the months and years you can see it coming on.

December 2009

By August 2010, 1 year after she started the Risperdone she gained about 50 pounds. Not healthy or good, still I didn't really pay it any mind.

August 2010

Autumn is going through puberty too, which can't help. She hates her body. She hates that it's maturing. She hates having breasts, underarm hair, pupic hair. She hates growing up.

Autumn December 2010

This is a current photo of Autumn. She is beautiful. She is smart and funny and she still hates growing up! She is approximately 80 pounds overweight. She can not satisfy her hunger. I finally am set on changing her medication. We have tried changing it 2 times before but I couldn't handle her outbursts so I put her back on teh Risperdone. This time I'm going to stick to my guns and play it out. It will probably be torture but I want to help her out a little bit with her weight.

Autumn May 2011

Her psychiatrist gave me two drugs to research and decide on. We have already tried Serequel, didn't like it. Now it's between Abilify and Geodon. I have researched and researched and I'm still not sure which one to pick. Both are heavy duty anti-psychotics, both have the potential for weight gain. I hate having to decide. I just wish she was "normal". I just wish I could control her on my own. I'm so heavy hearted about this. The more I read about hese medications the more depressed I get that my 11 year old is on them!!!! Ugh!!!!

Me and my girls, May 2011

I love my Autumn. I just want her to be healthy. Having 80 extra pounds is not healthy. I have 80 extra pounds on me too. We need to get healthy. I need to do this for Autumn and for Rayne. I need to get motivated! I need to decide which drug I'm switching Autumn to. I need a lot of things . . . UGH!

Spring Time

2011-04-23T12:35:00.000-04:00

It's now the day before Easter and there is so much going on in my head. There are so many significant things that have happened or are happening around this time of year.

My sister Hilary's birthday. Happy Birthday to my big sis! We spent the day in the ER yesterday, her back was out and she could not move because of the pain :(. She kept wanting to send me home but I refused. We spent 7 hours together and I wouldn't want to spend those 7 hours any other way.

Hilary, ME!, and Jill circa 1975

I was the Doula to an amazing 16 year old girl, Abby. She is younger then my own 17 year old daughter and she had such strength and maturity. I will remember this birth for the rest of my life, it was absolutely amazing. Jonathan Michael, may God bless your life!!!

Abby, Jonathan, and me (their Doula!)

I helped a very special family spend Easter Sunday together. I love you Cheryl, Jael, John, and James!!!! If I wasn't there they could not be together, it was my privilege.

The Cross family, together, the way they should be!

I was the Doula 11 years ago to my friend Cheryl. It wasn't planned but an unexpected surprise for me. My precious Jael was born and was a beautiful miracle.

Me and Jael . . .I'm her second momma!

My friend Tami was killed in a car accident 15 years ago. Amazing it has been that long.

Crystal, me, Rayne, and Tami circa 1994!

There is probably a lot more I could write about but today these are the few significant things that have happened.

May God bless everyone this Easter season. Christ sacrificed His life for us so we could spend eternity with Him.

A special Doula job . . .

2011-04-17T10:12:00.001-04:00

Jonathan Michael

Early this morning I had the privilege to welcome into this world Jonathan Michael. This was my most special Doula gig . . . details to follow . . .

Praying for Jack

2011-04-05T13:58:00.000-04:00

My sister's friend Adrienne and her husband John are going through a nightmare. Their 2-year-old son Jack fell out of a 2 story window on March 30th. He was rushed to the hospital and has had emergency brain surgery. Please keep Jack and the family in your prayers. God is an ALL POWERFUL, ALL KNOWING GOD and HE CAN HEAL JACK!!!!

Please visit Jack's blog HERE to get updates and support this family!!!

Important Interruption About Autism

2011-04-01T08:20:00.000-04:00

I interrupt the regularly scheduled post about my depression, self-pity, and selfish self-loathing to bring you a very important message about Autism. (I'm feeling ~~a lot~~ better today in case anyone is wondering.)

April is Autism Awareness Month.

The face of Autism.

Autumn is my 11 year old. She has Autism. I have awesome people in my life who love her for her, not her Autism. Who "get" her, who understand Autism, and love her anyway. I also have people in my life who do not "get" her, who do not understand Autism, and struggle to love her anyway. This has been eating at me the last year but God is GOOD and He knows Autumn's future.

Autumn gets very excited every April. She knows it's Autism Awareness month and LOVES to flaunt her stuff!

It has been a struggle for her these past few months, especially in the self-regulation department. Sensory issues continue to be a battle. Just one example came up at dinner last night. Two of the kids asked for Italian Ice for dessert.

No big deal right?

WRONG!

Autumn can not tolerate the sound of the spoon scraping the ice. She handled it like a champ though. She turned to me, with her sad little face, eyebrows furrowed, and sunk her head into my chest. Holding her ears we both got through "dessert". In the past this would have been a huge meltdown. Autumn is learning that you can't expect people to change their lives or routines for you, she has to adapt and sometimes it takes everything she's got.

I love my daughter . . . who just happens to have Autism and she LOVES me!!!!

Loved

2011-03-31T08:21:00.000-04:00

What is God trying to teach me?
I think it's that His love should be all I need.
Single.
I'm single.
I'm okay with this.
Always have been.
But you know what I'm not okay with?
Meeting man after man who is not the one.

Why?

Why do I meet men who I connect with so deeply then BAM! NOPE YOU'RE NOT THE ONE!

I would rather not meet them, not know that I have a great connection.

"Almost Amy, he's almost the one, but nahhhh wait a little longer."

I envy woman who have a good man.

Listen, I know marriage is not a piece of cake.
I see first hand that it's crap a lot of the times.
That working as a team is hard work.
I think that's why I'm okay with being single.
I like being independent.
I like getting my own way, ALL of the time.

But yet . . . I want to be loved.
Cherished.
Appreciated.
Held.
Sought after.

I don't know.
I struggle with the notion of "I'M GREAT SINGLE" and "I WANT A MAN".

It's stupid I know. But true.

Cried myself to sleep last night. Suppose I needed to cry.

I don't know, I'm rambling.
Just had to get this off my chest.

It's A Choice

2011-03-30T21:27:00.000-04:00

I am low today. And I'm sitting in it.
I'm choosing to stay depressed.
I don't know if that makes sense.
And I don't care.
Usually it's not a choice.
Usually I want to get it off my back.
Not today.
I want to sit in this.

I don't feel loved.
I don't feel pretty.
I feel fat.
I hate the way I look.
I hate my body.
I hate that none of my clothes fit.
I hate that I'm addicted to food.
I hate that I love someone who can't be loved.
I hate being a mom.
I hate that I make crap compared to what I'm worth.
Everyone annoys me.
I have no patience.
My back hurts.
I'm miserable.

Today it's a choice.
Leave me alone.

Supporting Your Child

2011-03-25T21:47:00.000-04:00

Today I did something I should have done 11 years ago...I took Autumn's father to court for child support. Now I know why I have procrastinated so long . . . I am emotionally drained and quite frankly a little depressed.

Since Autumn's birth I have kept a detailed journal of all interactions between her father and I.

She is 11.

The journal is only 6 pages long.

Enough said.

He has not been involved at all. Here is a snapshot of his relationship with Autumn:

2000 (7 months old)- Kevin meets Autumn for the first time in court, established paternity and agrees to pay $25.00 a week in child support. No contact after court date however does pay $100.00 toward her support.

2003 (3 1/2 years old)- Kevin calls and wants me to bring Autumn to see him. I tell him he can see her but he needs to come to our house. He gets mad, curses at me, and hangs up.

2004 (4 3/4 years old)- Kevin sees Autumn 2 times for 1 1/2 hours each visit. I bring Autumn to see him both times. He says he will visit her next weekend and never calls.

2005 (6 years old)- Kevin calls and leaves a birthday message for Autumn.

2006 (6 1/2 years old)- Autumn calls Kevin. Kevin comes to the house and visits for 45 minutes. Kevin calls Autumn multiple times but she does not want to talk to him. He gets frustrated, however does not ask to come see her again.

2007 (8 years old)- Kevin calls me and wants to see Autumn. I advise him to take me to court for visitation, he gets frustrated and does not call back.

2008 (8 3/4 years old)- Kevin calls and wants to see Autumn. I advise him again to take me to court for visitation. He again gets extremely frustrated and does not call back.

2009 (10 years old)- Autumn's 19-year-old brother (from Kevin) contacts us. They begin to write letters back and forth. Autumn is very happy. Kevin calls and I let him see her. I explain Autumn's diagnosis' of Autism, ADHD, and ODD and how he should interact with her however he completely overwhelms her during the visit.

The next day at school I get a phone call from her teacher. Autumn is in the fetal position under her desk. I pick her up at 9:30am and we go out to breakfast. We start talking about her father. I tell her he wants to take us to the movies on Sunday. She says, "No, no more, I don't want to see him."
I tell Kevin Autumn does not want to see him. He gets offended. I tell him that I would work something out if he wants to see her. He says he will not force any of his kids to see him.

2011 (11 1/2 years old)- I file for child support.

March 25, 2011- Child Support hearing with Kevin.

Our appointed time is 11:00am, we were not seen by the Hearing Officer until 2:30pm. Unknown to me the court had a record of our May 2000 agreement to $25.00 a week, which means Kevin owes us $13,000 in arrears child support.
The Hearing Officer asked Kevin why he had not followed the court order for support. He stated, "She doesn't let me see my daughter."
The H.O. states that seeing or not seeing his daughter has nothing to do with the court order, he is still responsible for supporting her. She states that Kevin could have at any time file for visitation rights if he did not agree with the amount of time he spent with his child.
The H.O. calculates child support. Kevin will have to pay $103 a week to support Autumn.
Kevin appeals. He is unemployed and already pays $75 a week in arrears for his other children. His other children are 24 and 20, he owed so much support that he is still paying his arrears.
Because he appeals we have a new court date in front of a judge on April 6th.

I think I'm emotional because seeing Kevin brings back all the hurt, anger, and pain I have felt for 11 years. I carry around this burden for Autumn. She will never have a normal relationship with her father. He will never be the father she deserves.

If you ask Autumn who her father is she will say God. She has such clarity about it. Since her last visit with Kevin in 2009 she has not once talked or asked about him. I think she finally saw Kevin for who he really was. Before 2009 she romanticized about him and who her father was. When she was very small every time she had a melt down this is what I would hear . . . "I WANT MY DADDY!!!" I finally had to tell her that she did not want her daddy, she wanted A daddy. She finally gets that.

I know God is in control I just hate not being in control simultaneously!

Little Drummer Girl

2011-03-24T21:47:00.001-04:00

Tonight was the night of the All District Band Concert in Neptune, NJ. This means all the Elementary school bands, the Middle School band and the High School band all played together. Last year Autumn didn't want to participate, didn't want to be with the boy drummers, and wanted me to be on stage. This year was completely different. She had NO anxiety about the concert!!!! She was with all boy drummers and she didn't need me on stage!!!! She has come a long way!!

Autumn and her BASE DRUM!

Autumn has ALWAYS been loud. From the time she was 3 years old she has talked REALLY REALLY loud which is funny to me because she is SO sensitive to sound. She can't stand loud noises, often covers her ears however is LOUD herself.

When it came time for her to enter the 4th grade she would need to choose an instrument to play when she joined band. Of course she chose the DRUMS!!!! I knew this would be her choice instrument. Autumn LOVES the drums, always has. The reason we sit in the front row of church is so she can watch the drummer. When ever we go to a concert and can choose our seat it is front and center in front of the drummer. When she listens to music she picks up the beat of the drums.

My nephew Aedan is in Middle School and plays the clarinet.

Autumn and Aedan after the concert!

Fasting

2011-03-23T15:13:00.000-04:00

"WHEN you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, WILL REWARD YOU." ~Matthew 6:17-18

Today I am fasting. I have never done this before, it's my first time. Praying and Fasting.

I started last night at sundown. I will end my fast tonight at sundown. 24 hours of no food, just water, and a lot of prayer.

I don't know much about fasting so this is the beginning of a journey that I pray and hope because part of my life. It's now 3pm and I want food. I have already planned what I'll be breaking my fast with . . . my favorite Mexican food from Baja Fresh!!! YUMMY!!!!

I know, I know I really shouldn't be focusing on food but for this very moment I am. Otherwise what is happening today is very interesting. I am focusing on God and my petitions to Him. Sure I am working and my focus goes toward what I am doing but it's so cool that in between every single I have been doing I pray. Driving...I pray. Hang up the phone...I pray. Send a text...I pray. Fantasize about food...I pray. Talk to a co-worker...I pray.

What has prompted me to fast? 1 specific request although I have been praying for 3 things today. The driving force behind this fasting is my friend will be in court at 9am tomorrow because of things he has done in his past that he still has to deal with. I am praying specifically for God's mercy and grace. I pray that God will prepare the judge, the lawyers, the plaintiff, and my friend for this court date. I pray that my friend will have justice and that he will be able be able to pay for what ever debts he receives in a timely manner while still being able to sustain his own life. I pray God's peace surround my friend. I pray relationships are healed and bitterness, anger, spite, and evil be obliterated from this situation.

This is my main focus. The two other things I am praying for are 1) Autumn's IEP for next year (Middle School) was today at 12:15pm and 2) I will be in court with Autumn's father on Friday at 11:00am for child support.

Autumn's IEP went great! I got everything I wanted for her next year!!!

Fasting is interesting and God asks us to do it. If He asks we need to listen to His request and do whatever we can to comply.

"Whatever He says to you, do it." ~John 2:5

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

2011-03-17T15:04:00.000-04:00

Today is the 18th Anniversary of me and my first tattoo!!!!

I was 18.

I designed it myself.

It's my initials intertwined with a broken heart behind it.

It was love at first sight.

We have been happily together every since :)!!!!

All dressed up!

2011-03-14T08:04:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I attended my agencies biggest fundraiser event. It's a ball of sorts, black tie, fancy, a great excuse to get dressed up each year!

This is my partner-in-crime Judy. We are coordinators of the Residential program. I supervise half of our agency's houses and she supervises the other half. We share an office and we absolutely love each other. God has blessed me with a friend to work with.

Our pharmacy reps are Gil and Risa. We love them and they have become great friends. They took out this ad for Judy and I. They are so sweet!!!!

Here is the Residential department. Celeste is our boss, Kim is our administrative assistant, then Judy, and myself! We are a great team!!!!

Judy and I love Kim!!! She is the greatest assistant!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 of us put our money together to buy a $100 50/50 ticket! We didn't win:(!!!!! The winner got $13,000!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!

I'm not a drinker but I do partake approximately 2 times a year. One of those times is always at this event. Bring on the Malibu Baybreezes!!!!!

We really do love each other!!!

We danced the night away...it was a lot of fun!

One of the desserts was hazelnut biscotti ice cream in a chocolate swan, it was delicious!!!!!!!!!!!

Autumn and her Autism

2011-03-13T19:37:00.003-04:00

Over the last few weeks I have been reminded that my daughter has Autism. You might ask, well how the heck do you forget something like that???? It’s easy, especially when the child who has Autism is on the high end of the spectrum.

Being on the high end is both a blessing and a curse.

Because she is so high functioning often people don’t realize there is something wrong with her. I have family members who don’t believe her diagnosis. GRRRRRRR.

When Autumn was having a meltdown we have heard, “Oh is that her Autism, kicking in?” I’m glad I wasn’t there . . . however it did upset Rayne, who does not get easily get upset about her sister.

Reminders:

1) The manufacturer of her Risperidal pill changed. It went from red to pink. It took Autumn 2 full days to be okay with this. The second day I was in the kitchen and I heard her scream, “AHHHHHHHHHHH!” I ran in and asked her what was wrong. She cried, “These pills lost their pigmentation!”

2) Things need to be the same. My nephew sat in the dining room seat that I usually sit in at my mother’s house. This was not okay with Autumn. She flipped out and started to cry. She is very rigid when it comes to things like this.

3) Her possessions are hers, only hers. She has gotten better at getting rid of things . . . she use to be a mini hoarder, but she can’t give things away to those she knows. It’s very hard for her to see her cousins wearing her old clothes. Even if they don’t fit her anymore . . . Riley had on some of her hand-me-down’s on the other day and Autumn became VERY angry.

4) If given a directive to stop something annoying, if it is not the exact right moment, she will flip out. This involves stomping, tapping, drooling, and just plain making everyone miserable that is within hearing distance.

5) She is less mature then her peers. One example is the tv shows she likes. She does enjoy what her peers watch, shows such as i-Carly, Good Luck Charlie, and Shake It UP and she does like watching shows with the family such as American Idol and Wheel of Fortune however she is perfectly content with watching pre-school shows too such as Mickey Mouse Playhouse and the Backyardigans.

She’s been taking a couple of steps backwards lately. I’m trying to have faith this too shall pass but it’s hard when you’re going through it. Today when she was frustrated she told me it was her hands . . . a few posts ago I explained how Autumn’s frustrations come out physically, well today it was her hands. Weird I know . . . she is a mystery for sure!

AT&T

2011-03-09T22:50:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is my friend Tracey's birthday.
Happy birthday Tracey!!!!

She's the best. My best friend!

Friends since 1989 . . . or 1990. It's been so long, who could remember!!!???!!!

We didn't like each other at first. At all!

She was the new tough chick from public school.
I was the old chick; never been to public school!

What brought us together? BasketballJ! The love of the game, actually our coach forced us to be partners. We both cringed when we had to practice together. After two hours sweating, running, practicing, trusting, and laughing we were inseparable.

We soon were known on the court as AT&T (Amy Trouwborst & Tracey). We bought matching black high top sneakers (when everyone else had white). Under our uniforms-- Tracey always had a black t-shirt on, I always had a white t-shirt on. We always warmed up before our games with our uniform shirts off, tucked in our shorts. We thought we were the sh*T. Ok so we were!!!

Raw Chocolate chip cookie dough! One day before practice Tracey and I had the bright idea of to walk to the local WaWa, buy a tube of raw cookie dough and eat the entire thing. We then went to basketball practice and ran for 2 hours straight, including suicides!!!! Let's just say it ended with Tracey and I standing over a toilet bowl puking our guts up! Good times, Good Times!

Sports then framed our friendship. We played Soccer, Basketball, and Softball during our high school years.

Tracey's mom asked my mom if she could stay with us while their bathroom was redone. 1 weekend turned into like 3 months!
Tracey and I loved being roommates!

I did her science fair project for her on A.I.D.S. (Hope Ms. Gaskins isn't reading this!) I also wrote a lot of her papers for her! Hey I loved the girl what could I say!

We spent every weekend together, either her at my house or me at her house.

I taught her how to drive around a circleJ!

I "watched" her and her little brother Jack while her mother went to Florida for a week! I'm only 10 months older than Tracey, why did our parent's ever agree to that!!!!! We were good, angelic really!

We shared a boyfriend! Yes, Tracey gave me permission to date her ex-boyfriend! We lasted like a week, we were really more best friends then boyfriend-girlfriend. Then Tracey and the guy got back together!!!! Talk about best friends!

She was the first person I called when I found out I was pregnant with Rayne. She drove 8 hours with my sister to see me and comfort me.

She was there when I found out I was pregnant with autumn. I took the p-test in her bathroom. When the result showed up I said, "Oh thank God Tracey, It's negative!" Tracey then said, "Um, Amy . . . . Look again!" It was indeed positive. I think I was in denial!!!!

I was there when Tracey's doctor told her, "Tracey, I know you are 33 weeks but we have to take the baby now."

I drove her to the hospital where they induced labor. I was there when Julia was born . . . I cried like a baby, sobbed, hysterical. She was beautiful . . . all 5 pounds of her!!!!

Tracey and Julia were at the hospital 10 months later when I gave birth to Autumn!

Autumn and Julia have been best friends since day one!!!!

Best friends who have daughters as best friends.

Really God is so great and knows what he is doing!

Julia has the kindest heart and never, ever loses patience with Autumn! I love her as much as I love her mother!

What has kept us together for 20+ years? Our faith. We share a heart for Christ.

Our friendship has not been perfect. We have had bumps in the road. We have had to learn a lot about each other. We have had to forgive and ask forgiveness. We have had to grow and mature.

Today we go to the same church . . . what a blessing that is!

We pray for one another. We encourage one another. We support one another. And we never, ever judge one another. We can tell each other anything . . . I mean ANYTHING and we still love, support, and try to guide one another.

I love you Tracey Ann Fernandez with all my heart!!!

Happy birthday! We are officially the same age!!!!!!!!!!

Blogs of Note

2011-03-07T19:15:00.000-05:00

So my friend Courtney over at Storing Up Treasures started a Blogs of Note promotion. Basically the concept is promoting your blog to gain readers. So here is my attempt to self-promote!

I love Courtney's blog, her honesty, her rawness. Courtney and I went to the same church here in New Jersey, it's funny we were not friends way back then, because I often tell her that if she was here or I was there we would definiteley be friends. Our lives just didn't cross when she and the Rockstar lived in NJ. I was more friends with her mother, Joy. Her mom led the single mom's group at church. Joy was a great support to me and my children. We talked on the phone a few times and sorted things out.

I remember when I first came to Grace (Grace Christian Church) I would often sit behind Courtney, the Rockstar and their small children. Autumn was two years old back then and would often be found sound asleep on my shoulder. I remember when they adopted Gayla and Mikie and I believe Courtney was pregnant at the time, I thought they were so cool :). I thought, "Now that is how you serve God". I admired them.

Courtney soon left the chruch and then her mom did. I never did get to connect with her or the Rockstar but by the fantastic world we call the internet we have connected. I consider her my friend and often pray for her and her family. I'm over joyed that her mother recently married. I know it was the desire of her mom's heart to grow old with someone.

So if you want to promote your blog, head on over to Courtney's page. It might just be worth it!

The Altar

2011-03-06T14:04:00.000-05:00

God has been speaking to me. I'm kinda frustrated with Him right now. He's taking me through some pretty painful stuff. I feel like I'm being sanded, not polished like silver but sanded like wood. I know the end result of sanded wood, it's smooth and beautiful, but getting it to that state is hard work. Takes a lot of sweat and pain and tears. It's not easy, the wood doesn't just one day wake up smooth and beautiful, it takes a carpenter to work it, sand it, treat it. I feel like that rough piece of wood in the hands of my Carpenter.

In the past 4 days my daily devotional has spoken right to ME. I ask you. How does God do that? It happens all the time to other people too. How does God know exactly what you need to hear through a devotional written in 2007 put in no particular order? Oh yeah, He's God, He can do anything He wants!

I'm reminded today that I need to put a few things on the altar. I need to make a list, so here it goes:
1) My love life
2) Rayne
3) Autumn
4) My body
5) My depression
6) My finances
7) My job
8) My child support fight for Autumn

I probably could go on an on.

March 2nd my devotional asked me "What if I don't get what I want? Can I still love God and be happy?" We will all go through tests. Tests that test our priorities. Are we willing to give up the things that become IMPORTANT to us? Are we willing to give up these things to God in faith and obedience? These tests are designed to try, prove, and develop our faith. If I don't get what ever it is I want will I still serve God all the days of my life?
March 4th my devotional reminded me Satan is a thief and one of the things he wants to steal is my JOY. If he steals my JOY from me I will be weak and when I am weak he can take advantage of me. I must truly believe that it is God's will for us to experience continual JOY. Did you catch that CONTINUAL JOY. It's a choice, JOY is available but so is misery. Life is available, so is death. Deuteronomy 30:19 tells us which one to choose. "I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you LIFE and DEATH, the blessings and the curses; therefor choose LIFE, that you and your descendants may live."
March 5th was about fishing. In John 21 Simon Peter, after Jesus rose from the dead, didn't know what to do so he went BACK to what he always did before he met Christ, he went fishing. He didn't catch anything until Jesus appeared and asked him, "Are you doing any good at what you are trying to do?" We must ask ourselves this when we so no fruit to show for what we are trying to accomplish. Hmmmm? Just hit me . . . my love life . . . no fruit . . . . is God asking me "are you doing any good?". Jesus then told Simon Peter he was fishing on the wrong side of the boat, he told him to cast his nets on the other side of the boat. Simon Peter listen to Jesus and caught so many fish he couldn't pull in the nets!

Have I caught anything? Have I accomplished anything besides getting worn out? If I listen for God's voice, He will tell me where to throw my net.

March 6th, today. What do I need to put on the altar? Just like Abraham laid Isaac on the altar before the Lord. We must not let anything- even our work for God- become more important to us than God Himself. To keep that from happening, from time to time God calls upon us to lay it all on the altar as proof of our love and commitment. He tests us by asking us to lay down our most treasured blessing as proof of our love for Him.

(all devotions taken from "New Day, New You: 366 Devotions for Enjoying Everyday Life" by: Joyce Meyer)

My heart was broken this week. The man I was falling in love with, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, who I was actually considering leaving Jersey for called it quits. He is lost, broken, a mess. God is protecting me, this I know is true. It felt so right. We were such good friends, connected in ways I never thought possible, and loved each other defects and all. But he has healing to do. God has to do much work in his life. God is protecting me.

So here I am.

I must believe that God wants CONTINUAL JOY for me, even if I feel like crap?
I must believe that God knows what He is doing, even if I feel uterly confused?
Am I willing to give up what is important to me based on faith and obedience? Is faith and obedience enough?
And what if I don't get what I want? Will I have the courage, strength, and selflessness to continue to serve and love God?
Will I choose JOY and not let Satan steal it from me?
Will I listen for God's voice to tell me where to throw my net? Will I look at my life, the choices I've made long enough to realize that what I've been doing, where I've been throwing my net isn't working for me?
And will I be strong enough to put EVERYTHING I need to on the altar?

Help Me

2011-03-05T23:59:00.001-05:00

Why do I feel so deep?

Why do I feel happiness so deep?

Why do I feel pain so deep?

Why do I feel connection so deep?

I am in so much pain right now.

DEEP PAIN

I know it will go away.

I know I will feel better.

But how do I get through the days until then?

What is God's plan for me?
What is He trying to teach me?
What is He trying to tell me?

Help me Jesus . . . I don't know what else to do.

A sour day.

2011-03-03T21:30:00.002-05:00

So Autumn has been having a few set backs lately. I had to increase her Risperdal and it has helped a little bit but it's not a miracle drug, Autumn still has to do the work! I'm thinking I might have to increase her Adderall as well. Her body has been SOOOOO restless!!!!

She has been stuggling in school too. She has melt downs over math . . . ripping papers, throwing everything on the floor, drawing on her desk. It's not pretty.

She pounds her fists. Stomps her feet. Taps with her fingers constantly. She screams, "My feet, my feet are frustrated!"

I spoke to her psychiatrist, whom I love, and she reminded me that Autumn shows us what is going on with her psychologically through her body. She communicates using her body. I forgot about that and needed the reminder.

Today ended on a very sour note.

We were at my parent's house for our usual Thursday night dinner. My sister, niece Riley, and Autumn were upstairs playing. Hilary yelled for me to come upstairs . . . I knew that could only mean one thing . . . Autumn was acting up.

Riley didn't want to play with Autumn. Autumn took offense. She started to rip up paper and throw it at Riley and my sister. I gave Autumn the to the number 3 to pull it together. She could not. I had to physically remove her from the room.

I told her we were going home. This did not go over well and started the 20 minute cry, drool, 2-year-old tantrum. By the look in her eyes I could tell she was not going to snap out of it. We left my mother's early without having dessert with everyone. Autumn did not like this conciquence. I explained that she made a choice, she chose to react in a way that was not appropriate, therefor the conciquence was that we would go home.

Rayne, Autumn, and I left my mom's house with Autumn screaming, crying, and miserable.

She continued to cry the whole way home. I needed gas, she cried through that. Poor Rayne sat through the care ride home. We got home, still crying. Oh and let me explain it's not just a fant cry, it's a "I'm pissed at the world and I'm going to make everyone else pissed too" cry.

I gave her her sleeping pill and a Risperdal and told her to get in the shower. She complained that her Risperdal changed color (new manufacturaer they were red, now pink). She complained her thighs itched. She complained she was growing hair in all the wrong places. She complained she felt wet (ah yeah, it is a shower!). But at least she stopped her crying . . . for the shower.

She began crying again when drying off and I tried to process what happened. I told her it's okay to be upset that Riley didn't want to play with her but the way she reacted was not right.

She ended up going right to bed. And I am beat!!!!

March 25th I go to court with Autumn's dad for child support. I'm not looking forward to this. He wants visitation as well. Autumn does not want visitation. I am trusting God knows what's best for Autumn and will protect her from pain and hurt.

Today started out on the right foot but ended on the wrong foot . . .

Truth

2011-02-26T14:01:00.000-05:00

"Getting treasures by a lying tongue is the fleeting fantasy of those who seek death."

Proverbs 21:6

My friend Tracey and I have been talking about truth lately. It's been really eye opening to see how much untruth and manipulation can come out of your mouth if you don't make a conscious effort to be truthful.

Tracey and I don't consider ourselves liars but God is reveling to both of us, at the same time, that the way we deal with our personal relationships could be healthier. We are learning to be truth tellers and truth seekers.

Manipulation falls into the category of untruth. You say something to someone to make them feel guilty or to get what you want.

Manipulation is a lot of times harder to see or at least it's a lot harder for me to see. I am easily manipulated. I see the good in all people. I forgive easily, and trust even easier. It takes someone close to me to do it over and over again for me to finally see it and then put up my walls so I won't get hurt again.

Manipulation is a part of my past. I am so much healthier now and getting even healthier. God has been revealing things to me and helping me realize that the healthiest thing you can do for your self and the ones you love is tell the truth. If we are truthful then our relationships will be truthful. Why would you want a relationship that was based on manipulation and well lies? It would not be real now would it? At this point in my life I don't want anything that is not real. I WANT REAL.

So yesterday when I was about to text something untrue to a friend to make him jealous I waited for a minute and thought, "Amy why would you want him to feel jealous based on something that is not even true?" So I didn't text it, and you know what? I got an even better result out of being truthful, this friend and I ended up having the best conversation out of the blue.

It's hard telling the truth all the time. But God says lying leads to death. I totally believe that. I have had at least two very close friendships end because of lying. Very sad, but very real, and very unnecessary if only truth were involved.

Emotionally Unavailable and a BIG Red Flag

2011-02-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

Emotionally Unavailable. What does that mean, really? That is what my friend, hmmm, what should me call him on here???? What the heck? I can't think of a stupid make-believe name for him to protect his identity!!!!! Ugg whatever.

Anyway we had a very intense heart to heart AGAIN last night. Our relationship is very complicated, well not on my end I pretty know what I feel, what I'm ready for but it's complicated on his end and I'm beginning to see it his way. It hurts, it sucks, I'm screaming inside right now!!! However I'm beginning to see his reality and what is going on.

First of all he made a commitment to God in January to be single for a year. Hmmmm how can I even compete with that commitment? Like I said in my other post he is a mess and I'm beginning to believe him. When I asked him last night if he saw a future for us he said, "Amy, I don't see a future for myself, how can I see a future for us?" And that statement is the truth. He does not see a future for himself, that is how broken he is. I see the beauty in him, I see the potential, I see the man God created him to be but he does not . . . yet.

I can't fix him.

What we are doing now is pretending. Pretending is an accurate word to describe "us". We go throughout the day, texting, talking, video chatting, pretending we are in a healthy relationship, but if one of us is unhealthy how healthy could it be?

He is putting up a HUGE RED FLAG for me.

I should be grateful for this. I mean her is a man who cares about me enough to tell me, Amy I'm messed up, it's not the right time for us, I will hurt you if I don't fix myself first. And here I am saying, "I don't care, I want to love you anyway".

What is wrong with me???? Feels like rejection to me. Feels like he is rejecting me. And now that we are this close, now that we do have these deep feelings for each other how do we go back? How do we become "just friends"?

I can't fix him.

Truth is I feel stupid. Stupid for letting him in. Stupid for telling anyone I like him. Stupid for telling him I like him. Stupid for even thinking there was a chance for us. I feel like I have been in this position so many times, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Truth is I'm trusting God. God is in total control. I HATE THAT PART!!! I HATE THAT I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!!!! UGH!

So here I am.

I don't know what to do with all of this emotion, all this feeling, all this passion.

THIS SUCKS.

Yet another lesson from God that He is in control . . . you're killing me God, really your killin' me.

A tightrope

2011-02-21T17:36:00.000-05:00

Here I am, starting over again.

I feel like I'm on a tightrope. Trust, ugh!

Yet God is so good.

Every morning for the past week He has woke me up early to talk.

It's actually been great. I have never experienced this kind of closeness to Him.

I'm wrestling with something.

Something BIG.

Something that will change the course of my life, forever.

I feel stupid even writing about it because I have written about it before.

Or maybe not, maybe I just think I have written about it.

I'm afraid to even put it out there.

Who will read this?

Who will get into my brain, my heart?

So I write guarded as I usually do.

Because if you really knew me, would you still love me?

My good friend tells me all the time, "Awww Amy you wear year heart on your sleeve".

Yeah I do.

I tell you what I think if not by my words by my eyes.

In fact my last evaluation at work had written I need to be careful of my facial expression, specifically my eyes because sometimes I appear "annoyed", "defiant", even "rude". It did not say all that but that was the meaning behind what they were trying to say.

I can't help it.

I feel SO deep.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

WHY DO I FEEL SO DEEP?????

I am totally trusting God right now.

He is in control.

I have NO CONTROL!!!!!

I tried to guard my heart.

I tried not to feel the way I do.

I tried not to "fall".

But it's too late, I already have.

He is wonderful.

Butterflies. I get Butterflies.

It's so scary.

There is healing that must happen though.

He needs to heal.

He is broken.

A mess.

But I love messes.

And although a mess he is beautiful.

I tell him that all the time.

I know it seems weird, calling a man beautiful, but he is.

He loves Jesus.

He wants to serve God.

He's smart, intelligent.

We click.

We fit.

He "gets" me.

My darkness.

My passion.

My drive.

We live over 1000 miles apart, but that is a wonderful thing.

Gives healing a chance.

Gives us a chance.

Can't believe I'm putting this all out there.

Put hey I'm trusting God.

If this does not work out, God has a plan.

A very beautiful plan for both our lives.

That we both know is true.

Love and Breathing

2011-02-18T15:12:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately and am realizing that LOVE is at the core of most of my wounds that haven't healed yet.
This week at church my pastor taught us how to do a Breath Prayer. It's a prayer you say to the rhythm of your breathing.

THIS IS MY BREATH PRAYER:

"GOD . . . I NEED TO FEEL LOVED"

I know that when people look at my life they may think I'm crazy to need to feel loved because I am loved and love is all around me. This is true. I am loved and I do have love all around me however the TRUTH is that does not mean I FEEL loved. It does not mean I believe that I am loved. It does not mean that the deep wounds of not feeling wanted, or not feeling like I fit in, or not feeling loved for who I am have healed or that the love I have today even reaches those deep wounds.
This is what I'm working on right now. I'm working on feeling God's love but not only feeling, BELIEVING I AM LOVED, in fact that is what I'm going to change my breath prayer to, "GOD . . . I NEED TO BELIEVE I AM LOVED".
I run to so many other things when I don't feel loved or accepted.
Well really I run to two things, food and men.
I use food and men to heal my wound, but guess what, food and men don't heal wounds, only one thing does, the awesome power of the Holy Spirit.
The exciting part is I'm getting there. I'm being molded, I'm being stretched. I'm being polished.
It hurts, it's scary, and I have messed up a bunch of times during this process but at least I'm getting there.

Teens and Dating

2011-02-09T12:44:00.000-05:00

I LOVE the show Parenthood!!! It was on last night and I can relate to so many story lines!!!! Not to mention they are drawing attention to Autism (one of the children on the show has Autism). He is doing an excellent job portraying what a child deals with who is diagnosed with Autism. The family dynamics are great and the show started out with the family not knowing about Autism so it takes you down the road from the beginning. I laugh every week because a lot of quirks the kid has my Autumn has as well.

Oh Haddie and Alex!!!!! Haddie is 16, Alex is 19, he is on his own and they want to date. Haddie's parents forbid her to see him, she saw him anyway. She ends up moving out . . . then back in . . .her parents finally let her see Alex on their terms. Fellow blogger Courtney asked me if I think Haddie and Alex should be able to date? Well do I have an answer for you! In fact I had to make the exact same decision that Haddie's parents had to make . . . I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!

Meet my real life Haddie and Alex . . . Rayne and John.

Rayne (my daughter) wanted to start dating John last February (can't believe it's been a year!). Rayne was 16 (juuuuuust 16) and John was . . . gulp . . . 19!!!!! Rayne was a Sophomore in High School, John was a Freshman in college!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!

I flipped out. I couldn't believe it. My baby, my little girl wanted to date a college student . . . a man . . . an adult!!!! I had a choice to make. Forbid her to see him, or choose to get to know him.

With great agony I decided to let her date him. I came up with all these crazy contracts for her to sign, it was bad, really bad. The contracts never got signed and I chilled out. What I did require is that John had to spend time at our house, they couldn't just go out in his car all the time. She was also required to be home on time, all the time.

It has been 1 full year now and Rayne and John are still together. She is now 17 and he is now 20. And guess what? I LOVE HIM!!! He is a really good kid. He goes to school full-time, works full-time, and treats my daughter with love and respect. He is family oriented and has made Rayne more family oriented which is a huge blessing.

It hasn't been perfect and Rayne and I still battle things out about her relationship at times but I love that we can be open and honest about everything.

A decision has been made.

2011-02-06T21:10:00.002-05:00

I've made my decision about India. Really I came to the conclusion a while ago but have been too chicken to say it out loud. Thank goodness I have so many godly people praying for me and supporting me. I'm excited about what God is going to do in my family this year. Everyday I am learning to really TRUST in Him. It's SOOOO HARD!!!! He is in total control,there is nothing I can do about it so I might as well just submit. I feel like I'm participating on one of those "trust falls". Have you ever participated in this "team building" activity. You know, you stand up on a platform and about 6 people stand behind you and you have to fall backwards into their arms. You need to TRUST them to catch you. That's what I feel like, it's that feeling, that drop in my stomach before letting go, before crossing my arms, closing my eyes and releasing my body to fall backwards into the hands of someone else. Wow, it's kinda exciting but a whole lot of nerve wracking.

Here is my email I sent to the people at Sarah's Covenant Homes.

Hello Theresa and Sarah,

I wanted to give you the heads up on something that I have been wrestling with over the past couple of months. God has laid on my heart that He wants me to stay here instead of going to India. He is doing a great work in me and my children. I believe that he wants to use the 3 weeks I was going to go to India to help restore and strengthen the relationship I have with my 17 year old daughter. Our relationship is good but it could be better and I could be doing a better job with showing her the love of Christ so that she will have a stronger relationship with Him. I have already begun this work with my daughter and am excited to see how this is all going to pan out.

This decision not to come to India at this time has been very hard. I am heart broken and have been wrestling trying to decipher whether it was coming from God or Satan. I have had many people praying for my decision and it has been made clear my family has to come before India at this time. I am so sorry I have to postpone.

But don't give up on me yet!!!! I will continue to support your mission with prayer. I also have 200 brochures that I plan to do a mass mailing to all my contacts in hopes that I will get you some more fiscal support. And my trip is postponed for now but not cancelled, I still feel like one day I will arrive to help your homes. With much love in my heart thank you for all you do.
Peace.
Amy

So there you have it. I feel a sort of relief that I got this over with. I was so nervous about sending the email. I feel like I have let them down. God knows and He has great plans for both me, my family, and Sarah's Covenant Homes.

Be blessed.

The Trouwbottom Legacy

2011-02-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to annouce that Autumn has officially converted her name to Trouwbottom!!!!! Look what I found on my night stand this morning!!!!

If you know me personally you know that Trouwbottom is not my actual last name. Go here to see my post on the name!! I'm so proud of my little Ms. Trouwbottom!!!!

Breaking Free of Depression and Fear

2011-01-30T15:45:00.001-05:00

There is so much to write about!!!!

First off, did you see my weight loss ticker up above!!!???!!! I have lost a total of 15.2 pounds so far!!!!!!!! YEAH ME!!!!!! I am so delighted. I have started to work out again too!!! Yesterday I ran/walked 2 miles! I'm on my way.

It's funny that this week I have not run to food once. This might have contributed to my MONSTROUS MOUNTAINOUS MISCHIEVOUS DEPRESSION I went through this week. Praise the Lord it is has passed!!! YIPPEE! My two friends Tracey and Marc really got me through it. They have been praying for me hard. Finally Friday night I had to rebuke Satan out loud in order for me to fall asleep. Those of you who do not suffer from depression will not understand this. Depression is REAL and HARD and SCARY. I am so glad I know my body, mind, and soul now and know how to get through it. It's not easy but I have learned so much about my self and how to take care of myself.

Interestingly enough I have realized that I am finally working through my problems, my demons, my insecurities without food. Funny it has taken me 2 years post-op to do this but God has his reasons and his timing! I'm just tickled PINK that I'm actually not running to food anymore.

On another note Autumn is doing really well. I see her growth more and more. Two things happened today that I would like to recognize. First off, at church she was so well behaved. I'm blessed with a church that doesn't mind that Autumn sits on the floor sometimes in order to get comfortable :). Today Autumn brought her mini drum and her shaker. She loves playing the drums and we have an AWESOME drum player that she likes watching. So today she played along, she was very shy about it but she'll get there. The other thing she did at church was go get hot chocolate by herself!!! She is stretching her wings and I'm so glad she is comfortable enough in our church to go off on her own.

The second thing that happened to day was that we started to desensitize her to dogs.

My friend Tracey has two dogs. One pitbull named Geezy and one black lab named Blizzard. Tracey is the mother to Autumn's best friend Julia. Autumn will not go over Julia's house because of the dogs. Autumn's fear of dogs has gotten worse and worse so today I decided enough is enough we are going to do something about it.

We left Blizzard in the kitchen behind the gate and True (Tracey's boyfriend) got Geezy out. Autumn was petrified. She cried, hid, she clung on to me for dear life. Geezy is a sweetheart. He is a gentle giant and he is more scared of you then you are of him.

Rayne loves him, as you can see in the picture above. He kept kissing her and we wanted to get a picture but every time Tracey took the picture he would turn his head!

I have come to the conclusion that dogs scare Autumn because 1) they are loud when they bark (she does not like loud noises unless she is the one making them) and 2) they are unpredictable (she doesn't know where they are going or what they want). Fear is the main emotion of Autism so if you remember that you can see why a dog would scare Autumn.

She never touched the dog today but she did stay in the room with us for the full 20 minutes. We all pet and talked to him and she watched. At one point she was calm enough to say, "He's tired" because he yawned.

I decided I'm going to bring her over every week to do this. I'll make sure she has her medication in her (today she didn't because we went over right from church) which will also help her to relax a little.

My girl is growing and so is her momma!!!!!

Black Sheep

2011-01-29T13:12:00.001-05:00

Did you ever feel like the black sheep? No really, like have you ever felt like no one else thinks like you, behaves like you, that you are different? Did you ever feel like you are a freak? Like the things you feel and think about no one feels or thinks about? Like you have all this passion to give, all this love, all this friendship, all this energy but no one else will understand it if you gave it to them?

This is how I feel most of the time, for most of my life.

I have always felt like the black sheep of my family, of my friends, of my schools, of my work.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely "fit in". I'm no social outcast. I have great friends and family who love me but I feel like my inner being, my soul is different then everyone else's.

Let me take that back. I have a very small group of friends who "get" me. Like . . . really get me. This is a very small group, maybe even two or three.

They know:
I love deep.
I hurt deep.
I forgive, a lot.
I see the good in EVERYONE.
I trust way too easily.
I love the messy side of following Jesus.
I love broken, messed up, not perfect people.
I love to be different.
I hate injustice.
I hate racism.
I hate judgementalism (is that a word?).
I love my family.
I struggle to love some family members more than others.
I mess up, all the time, and I admit it.
My heart is broken right now.
I want to save the world.
I am happiest when I'm "doing" something to help others.
I can be friends with just about anyone.
It doesn't bother me that someone has different views than me, different skin color, a different religion, different sexuality, different political stance, a different kind of family, or a different lifestyle.
My job is not to change anyone, my job is to live the TRUTH.

Unfortunately my TRUTH right now, this moment, is not TRUTH at all. It's DEPRESSION. I have been going through major depression since Sunday. So much so that I have been crying everyday.

Last night was the worst. I cried with my friend Tracey in her bed for what seemed like all night. Then I got home and cried some more. Thank God for my friends. My friend Marc gave me this verse to help me through my tough time. I wrote it on an index card and I keep it in my pocket at all times.

1 Peter 5:10

And the God of all grace,

who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,

after you have suffered a little while,

will HIMSELF restore you and make you

strong, firm, and steadfast.

I'm dealing with a lot. A lot of emotions. A lot from my past. I'm trying to get threw it, and I will but it hard.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Not sure I know where that light is but I'm sure it will get closer and closer each day . . .I hope!

Refocusing

2011-01-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

Focus, Focus, Focus

Distraction, Distraction, Distraction

Sunday night I wrestled with myself, it was pretty bad. No matter what I did I could not remain focused on what I wanted to focus on, which was God. I texted two of my good friends who helped me regain my bearings. I tried reading the Bible, I tried to pray, but nothing worked. I was flooded with thoughts of inadequacy, self doubt, and depression. I believe it was spiritual warfare at its best. Finally I did what I know how to do best . . .

I went to sleep.

Well it worked. I was able to quiet my mind and I am sure God was protecting me all night.

This decision about India has been weighing me down. I have sought some great council and have gotten some great advice so far. One consistent piece of advice is "India will always be there".

True, India will always be there, Rayne will not. She will will be off to college on her own before I know it. My good friend Sarah told me that going to India is the cool thing to do, I'll get tons of recognition and I'll feel good. What I won't get credit for and the not so cool thing to do is stay home and spend time with my children. I won't get recognized for telling my daughter she is great, she is wonderful, or that I love her.

This is true.

I found these verses today.

Acts 3:19-21 (Today’s New International Version)

19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, 20 and that he may send the Messiah, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus. 21 Heaven must receive him until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through his holy prophets.

What sticks out to me is the word REFRESHING. God will bring refreshment once we repent and turn to HIM. That is pretty cool and pretty encouraging. I could us a little refreshment right about now.

I'm starting to realize that what I wanted out of India I can get right here at home. I wanted a life changing experience. A uncomfortable, soul stretching, intimate encounter with God. After my prayer group on Monday night and a conversation with my Pastor today I'm realizing God can do that with me anywhere, not just India.

I decided that one of the first steps to improving my relationship with Rayne is to tell her I love her before I go to bed. I'm not sure when I stopped doing this but I did and I regret it. I was supposed to start last night but didn't. This might seem simple to you but to me it's huge and I need to make it a habit.

So I'm refocusing, although this blog post has been all over the place, at least in my mind, at least its a start . . .

Stay tuned.

Is it God, or Satan?

2011-01-22T14:52:00.005-05:00

I'm really struggling right now.

I was so pumped up to go to India and now I am down right wondering if I should go. And to top it all off I'm struggling with whether this is coming from God or Satan.

I have been praying that if it is God he would shut the door completely. So far the door is still open but it's closing slowly, so I think.

I haven't sent out my support letters, not because I didn't want to but I didn't have the $200 it would cost in postage. The funny thing is that now I am not sending them because I don't want too, not that I have the money, I don't but because I guess I'm afraid I will get donations and then I will "have" to go.

What I'm feeling is that my family needs me more here then India needs me. I'm starting to feel selfish to go. I will be leaving my daughters for 3 weeks. The big breakthrough is that I'm not so worried about Autumn (my 11 year old) but I'm worried about Rayne (my 17 year old). I have been feeling like she needs me more than ever. I also have been feeling like I haven't been there for her.

I was 19 when I had her. She grew up with me. My mom said it the other day on her 17th birthday, "You were like one of the sisters". She was. We all lived with my parents, me, Rayne, and my two sisters.

Everyone was in love with her.

So why do I feel like I can't remember a lot about bringing her up? Why do I feel like I was so busy getting my education, first my associates, then my bachelors, then my master's degree? Why do I feel like I then got pregnant with Autumn and was consumed with her for the next 11 years? Why do I feel like she hates me?

I'm thinking that 3 weeks away from her is selfish. I feel like it could be a time to heal, a time to catch up, a time to get to know each other. Am I wrong? Am I using this as an excuse?

I just started a new small group at my church. We are reading " The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian. We are two weeks in and it's going to be great, however it's forcing me to admit some things about myself as a mother that I don't want to face.

Facing things like:
~Frequently I don't like my kids. (I love them, but like??)
~I often work really, really hard at work but not so hard at my family.
~Sometimes I stay at work longer then I need to in order to avoid coming home.
~In the past I have taken way too many trips without my daughters.
~I like taking trips without my daughters.
~I don't listen to my kids.
~I often have a glazed look on my face and just nod "yes".
~I don't feel guilty that they don't have a father around, I actually prefer it that way.

I guess this is a good thing, facing the past, facing the truth, it just feels so raw. I want to heal. I want to become a good mother, not a great one but a good one.

I am often told I am such a good mother.

Sure, on the outside I am a good mother, a darn good mother, but that's what you all think. I want to know what my daughters really think. I know Autumn would say I am, she loves me no matter what I do, but the real test is Rayne. What would Rayne say?

I'm interested in how this book and small group is going to change my life and I can't wait! I want a better relationship with my kids. ~~They should be the most important thing in my life.~~ GOD SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE. If HE is, then my relationship with my children will improve and isn't that what it's all about?

I started this post going in a totally different direction. I'm glad it went astray and focused on my kids, they deserve it.

Ugh! I just wish I knew the future.

Another thing that happened this week is that I hired a new manager. This is a huge answer to prayer and she will make my life so much easier at work however she needs to take vacation the exact time I would be in India. Is this a sign? Is it God? Is it Satan?

Prayer, I need to talk it over with God. If you're reading this please pray for me and my decision. I don't want to make the wrong one. I don't want to run from God. I don't want to regret this very important decision.

UGH!!!

20 years later . . . your walk matters.

2011-01-20T10:05:00.000-05:00

Last night I reconnected with an old school mate from 9th grade. He found me on Facebook. It was really good to talk to him. We also dated :) in 9th grade, for a very short time. We were good friends and over the years I have always wondered how he was doing.

He said some pretty nice things to me. He mentioned that my FAITH had always stood out to him, that my faith was always real.

WOW! What a compliment.

He was one of the cool kids in school. He actually came in 9th grade and never finished, he was expelled (hence the reason why I liked him, you know the who bad boy image). Because we "went out" for such a short time I always thought something was wrong with me. I was too fat, I was too ugly, I wasn't cool enough.

Hearing from him gives me a whole new perspective. Maybe our faith in God and the way we live really does matter more then looks and things of this world. Although I appear to be confident on the outside, on the inside I struggle with lack of self esteem, depression, and feelings of just not being good enough.

Now over 20 years later I hear from a guy who thought I was great. Who learned from my example. Who thinks of me now and says, "Amy you were one cool chick". It had nothing to do with my weight, or my looks, or how "cool" I was. It had to do with my faith.

God takes care of us.

He knew I needed to hear this. He knew I just began my way back to weight loss and that I am struggling with being "good enough".

God is amazing. Really.

P.S. I'm on day 3 of my reset!!! Total loss 4.6 pounds! YIPPEE!!!!!!

Day 2 of 5 - resetting my pouch!

2011-01-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

So today is day two of my new life. I feel fantastic!!!!! I have so much energy and guess what???

I lost 1.8 pounds since yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO ME!!!!

I seriously owe a big thank you to Kaye Bailey for writing these fantastic books and creating The Neighborhood on-line community where people just like me can find strength and encouragement after weight loss surgery.

I seriously thought I was broken. I thought I had failed. I thought I was stupid!!!

I have learned I am none of those things.

I am in remission from obesity and have to live this way the rest of my life.

I thought after surgery I didn't have to do any work, that my stomach would do the work for me but I was wrong. My stomach is just the tool, I have to do the work, every day, for the rest of my life.

Oh and yesterday I said I gained 44 pounds?? Not true, it's really 46 pounds! Yeah me (not really!).

So like I said my first goal is getting the 46 pounds off. Then I will chip away at another 38. Then I will conquer 20 more pounds to be at my goal weight for the rest of my life!!!!

Day 1 of liquids was not so bad, although I did have an emotional breakdown over something that happened in my family and I almost lost it and ate solids, BUT . . . I didn't! Instead I heated up some chicken broth and let the warm soup fill my belly ;)!

Day 2 is liquids also, I so got this!

Can't wait until tomorrow when I move on to soft protein! I will be having an egg burrito and tuna patties!!!

Blah, Blah, Blah

2011-01-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

Right now I hate myself

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,

I know I'm not supposed to hate myself

but I do

so there

I have gained a substantial amount

of weight back

since my gastric bypass surgery

You know

the surgery I fought so hard to get

the surgery that almost killed me

the surgery that helped me

lose a whopping 120 pounds!!!!

Yeah that one

you know, June 11, 2008

I arrived

it's not easy

it's not like i expected

i didn't think i would be able to eat

like i do

at first

i couldn't

oh and I hated it

the weight came off though

but then

i discovered

what i could eat

and get away with it!!!!

How much have you gained back????

gulp . . .

44 pounds

sigh

I'm not giving up though!!!

I can do this!!!!

Today is a new day!!!!!

I found a support network!!!!!

I started my way back!!!!

It's called the 5 Day Pouch Test!!!

DAY 1 and 2 is liquids!!!!!

Day 3 is soft proteins!!!

Day 4 is firm proteins!!!!

Day 5 is solid proteins!!!!

Day 6 and beyond is eating right!!!!

I'm excited!

I started Day 1 today!!!!!!

YEAH LIQUIDS!!!!

I survived 30 days on liquids before my surgery.

Surly I can survive 2 measly days!!!

My pouch is healing as we speak!!!

I never did get down to my goal weight after surgery.

Baby steps.

My first goals is to lose the 44 pounds I gained.

Then I want to lose 38 more.

Then 20 more.

Baby steps.

Let's concentrate on the 44 first!!!!

YEAH ME!!!

Ok, Ok, I don't hate myself anymore!!!!!

Faith and Money

2011-01-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

I'm realizing that what I thought was faith was just a good idea knocking around in my head. I'm not sure how to explain it. Let start by saying my finances are a mess, well not really a mess, I mean I meticulously budget my money every single month. I have a black and white composition notebook (I know, retro), and every month I list every single bill I have.

My pay usually does not cover my expenses, so I go about my month having faith that God will provide . . .

. . . that's a LIE. I usually do not trust God that he will take care of my finance. I usually just go about my life spending money I don't have, even though I write down my budget. I might say a couple of half hearted prayers but when it comes down to it I don't have much faith.

This month has been different. It's been so uncomfortable but SOOOOO worth the feeling of being out of control. You might have remembered that I lost my child support for 10 months back in June, you can read about it here. Adding to my financial worries is my electric bill. I'm on the budget plan meaning my bill is the same for 12 months. Well after the horrendous summer we had (heat wise) and our air conditioning being on 24/7 and the fact we have a huge (non-energy efficient) house our payments were not enough on the budget plan. This basically means for the next 4 months I have to pay the difference which means my electric bill is $519 a month for the next 4 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it!!!

So anyway this month I am really challenging myself to have FAITH. I'm really depending on God to take care of my finances.

Here are just a couple of ways God has blessed me financially so far this month:

Rayne's driver's license was only $6 instead of $40 like I thought.
Autumn's orthodontist does not want to start her braces work until next year, therefore I have $2000.00 for medical expenses this year that I thought I was going to use for her braces.
My car insurance did not go up when I added Rayne to the policy as a permitted driver.
I have consistently had Adoption work to supplement to my income.

I am amazed at the little things that are happening that let me know God is in control.

I will be adding to this list as God continues to bless me.

17 years ago . . .

2011-01-13T07:25:00.001-05:00

i was 19

pregnant

13 days past my due date

we had a full house

all 3 sisters lived at home

with my parents

hilary lived in the attic

she just graduated college

she had a new job up north

jill and i shared connecting bedrooms

a nursery was made in my childhood bedroom

the theme was black and white pandas

with bright primary colored beach balls

i did not know the sex of my baby

although i knew you were a girl

the ultrasound tech confirmed my suspicions

no one caught on but me

Isaiah Theodore would be your name

if you were a boy

i craved Cool Ranch Doritos
and Sprite
i was enrolled full time at Brookdale Community College
i gave a speech on natural child birth
i gave it 8 days before my due date
i got an A

it was a Wednesday
13 days past my due date
my grandma came for dinner
she was a widow, my grandpa died in June
we had spagetti

6:00pm i didn't feel right

thought it was the spaghetti

by 8:30pm the pain got worse

i finally figured out i was in labor

up all night

rocking in the rocking chair in the dining room

jill, my oldest sister your aunt, was up with me

she was my birthing coach

we went to Lamaze together

at 4:00am contractions stopped

the doctor said it was false labor

4:15am water broke

on the recliner in the living room

jill fried an egg, she's hungry

it made me want to puke

5:20am jill, my mom, and i head to the hospital

jill drives

we are in a honda civic

it was maroon
i felt every pot hole she hit

i can't believe this is happening

hilary can't go, she just started her new job

she is very disappointed

so am i

i want all my sisters with me

5:45am we arrive at the hospital

i am set up in the pre-admission room

getting ready to go to the ABC room

(Alternative Birthing Center)

my intent was no drugs, least invasive

pain is so bad i throw up

it's not pretty

i go to the bathroom to get changed

come out and no one is there

they are taking care of my birthing coach (jill)

she fainted in the hall way

she will never live this down

before i can go to the ABC room

i need to be cleared

your heart rate keeps dropping

they lose it

internal monitor is inserted on your head

okay, heart beat found

labor too fast and too strong to move

i decide to stay where i'm at

thank God my mom is there

i hold her hand the whole time

she is my God sent

i love her

8:25am I'm ready to push

1 set of pushes (4 in a row)

head is out!

2nd set of pushes (4 in a row)

baby out!!!!

8:32am

it's a girl!!!!

i knew it

you are perfect

your forehead is blue

the cord was around your neck

a quick kiss from me

and you're off to get oxygen in the nursery

while you're in the nursery
i don't feel so great
i can't hear anyone in the room
i faint
i'm hemorrhaging and they don't know why

an intern is able to stabilize me

it happens again

i can't hear anyone

i begin to faint

grandma is with you

they escort jill out of my room

she is scared for me

they have blood on hand just in case

i continue to hemorrhage

they catheterize me

it takes 3 people to hold me down

i'm finally stable but have lost a lot of blood

i'm moved to a room for observation

i remember the lights on the ceiling in the hallway

jill is whispering to grandma

the room is dark

i'm completely out of it

16 hours later

you, my baby, are brought to me

i'm weak but okay

i love you

i am fine
you are fine

Praise God

perfect

10 fingers, 10 toes

a small skin tag hanging off your right earlobe

an "angel kiss" on your right eye lid

straight black hair

dark brown eyes

little chubby mocha body

8 pounds, 14 ounces

i name you rayne theodora
i love the rain, especially thunderstorms
theodora is after your grandfather
and your great grandfather
my father
and my grandfather

Rayne Theodora

January 13, 1994

you are extraordinary
student- 11th grader at Neptune High School
smart- you get A's and B's without any help
talented- you are in the school plays and musicals
athletic- you play soccer for high school and traveling for Toms River Blast
strong- you have underwent 3 knee surgeries
motivated- you want to be a nurse . . . maybe
intellectual- you love history and english
lovestruck- you have been dating John for almost a year

Tomorrow . . .

2011-01-12T12:03:00.002-05:00

. . . marks a very special day. Stay tuned!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's official

2010-12-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

I have begun to fund raise for my trip to India. This makes it all official. I am scared to death. I have thought about cancelling the trip . . . too afraid . . . how will I raise the money . . . what will my kids do without me . . . am I crazy to travel in June when it is SO HOT in India . . . what am I doing???

I am stepping out in Faith. I am following God's calling.

A dear sweet child who lived at the home I will be serving died this week. These children are so sweet yet have the hardest life. Please visit Sarah's Covenant Homes to learn more about this fantastic ministry.

I will need approximately $3500 for my trip. I have created a CHIP-IN page to track my fund raising. Check it out and please contribute, any amount will help!

What I need more than money is prayer. This trip, in order for me to pull it off is going to take an immense amount of prayer. For starters please pray for Autumn and Rayne. They will be without their momma for 3 weeks, a very long time.

I can't wait to update on my journey! It's going to be one crazy ride!!!!!

Lots of Kids . . . Lots of Tips

2010-12-19T22:40:00.001-05:00

Although my family is not a huge family we are on the larger size with 5 children ages 16 - 6. I live with my sister and her 3 children. We run our house like a married couple, finances and discipline and all. Here are a few things we do to keep organized.

Sock baskets. These two sock baskets sit at the bottom of the stairs on the first floor. We got tired of trying to figure out everyone's socks so now ALL the socks go in these two baskets and if you want a pair it's up to you to find ones that fit you!

Another thing we do is our weekly calendar on the dry-erase board. This is in the kitchen next to the refrigerator. I list every activity and appointment for the week. My dad watches all the kids after school so this helps him see what is going on for the week. It also is helpful for Hilary and to coordinate our schedules. The kids LOVE it too, the more they know the more they can help us out!

Autumn and I take medication everyday. Every Sunday I set up our pills for the week. This is a HUGE help. Autumn takes several pill several times a day. Her medication case is the white one, each day pops out. In the morning I leave out the day's container for my father. In the afternoon he gives Autumn her pills and it's easy and simple, he doesn't have mess with medicine bottles or dosages.

A few years ago I labeled these three containers and they have been such a help. "Shooters" are medicine cups and syringes, Riley calls them "Shooters" and it just stuck. Teddy suffers es from very dry, irritated skin so we put his creams in the white container. Autumn has asthma so we keep her inhalers and nebulizer medicine in the yellow container. We also keep Teddy's inhaler in there too although he doesn't have to use it that often.

We keep all our prescribed medicines in this 3 drawer container and the 3 colored containers stack up nicely right next to it.

When I'm having a good night I will prepare all the lunches for the next morning. Aedan buys lunch each day so here are Riley, Teddy, Autumn, and Rayne's lunch bags ready to be packed. I can't tell you how smooth the morning runs when the lunches are already made. I don't know why I get lazy at night!!!!

We installed these hooks in our kitchen by the back door. All the kids hang their bookbags up on them, it keeps them nice and neat!

India ...

2010-12-18T11:21:00.000-05:00

So I think my trip to India is coming along. I am getting excited and getting scared at the same time. Satan continues to try to stop this from happening including Autumn's last set backs. But I will move on with my plans. God is in control and He is definitely in this.

~~I have decided.~~ God has decided I will go to India at the end of June. I will be going for three weeks. I will be there for 4th of July (one of my favorite American holidays). I will be there for the ending of school and the beginning of camp. There is a lot to pray about.

I will soon begin to openly ask for donations to make this trip happen. I know God is faithful and I know He will provide.

There is a lot to do! It feels good to have a date in mind. And yes it will be hot! And yes it will be humid!!! And yes it will be rainy!!!!! I'm not going on a vacation. I'm going to do the Lord's work. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to grow. I want to be stretched. I want to be Jesus' hands and feet.

Dear Autumn

2010-12-15T22:22:00.003-05:00

The past two days have not been Autumn's best.

Yesterday I received a call from my father (who watches me and my sister's 5 children after school). He said Autumn and Riley were having a BIG fight. He said Autumn pushed Riley into a bookshelf.

I left work and headed straight home. Autumn has never gotten violent with other children. She can destroy a room but she has never put her hands on another child. This was serious.

By the time I got home the fire was put out. My dad was able to calm Autumn and he said he hugged her and went to be with Riley. When he returned into the room where Autumn was he saw Autumn cleaning up the room she had destroyed. She was cleaning up all by herself, he didn't ask her to, she just did it.

My dad took Hilary's kids out of the house and left me with Rayne and Autumn. Autumn swears Riley hit her first. Riley says she didn't. I tend to believe Autumn. Riley has been known to hit (she's 6) and Autumn does not hit anyone . . . she will push back if someone does it first . . .but she never does it first.

I had Autumn clean her room.

She then had to write Riley a "I'm sorry" note. She did not like this but she did it. This is what she wrote:

"I'm Sorry . . .OK!?"

Too funny. I decided to increase her Risperdal in the afternoon. Hopefully this will help.

This morning Autumn had another meltdown. I ended up at the bus stop with her, she was in tears screaming "YOU DON'T LIKE ME!"

After she got on the bus I sat and cried. I called her teacher to warn her about Autumn's morning. She heard the hurt in my voice.

When Autumn got home she showed me this letter her teacher wrote her. I am blown away by her teacher's kindness and understanding. Take a look:

Weekend Meltdown

2010-12-12T22:00:00.001-05:00

Structure is what makes most children with Autism's life managable.

So how do you handle the weekend with a child who needs structure?

Really weekends are unstructured.

No wake up time.
No set time lines for meals.
Activities vary week to week.
And on the lazy weekends, when nothing is planned, there are
H-O-U-R-S of unstructured time.

So come 7:00pm on Sunday night (tonight) all this unstructured time was just too much for Autumn.
She had a major meltdown.

a hyperventilating,
uncontrollable,
throw everything on the floor,
snot flinging,
mouth drooling,
unrelenting,
crying,
moaning,
"I can't calm down!"
M E L T D O W N

As soon as her meltdown began and I knew she wasn't going to snap out of it on her own I sent her to her room. Well I had to walk her to her room. It is there the majority of her meltdown occurred. I told her I would tuck her into bed once she calmed down. I continued to put things away in my room and soon realized Autumn could not calm down by herself.

She needed deep pressure.
I put her blankets on her, including her 20 lb. weighted blanket and then laid on top of her.
Talk about deep pressure!
Within in 60 seconds it worked. She had completely calmed down.
I gave her a kiss and said what we always say to each other,
"See you in the morning!"

I learn something new every day, and today I learned I must structure our weekends if I want peace.

Puberty

2010-12-10T23:02:00.001-05:00

Autumn does not want to grow up.

If she had it her way she would probably choose

to be 3-years-old . . . forever.

So here is the HUGE dilemma . . .

PUBERTY!

How do you get an 11-year-old girl,

who doesn't want to grow up,

get through PUBERTY?

Well, I don't have the answer.

Autumn's Psychiatrist

(the most fantabulous Pediatric Psychiatrist around)

told me during our last appointment

that this will be the toughest stage of life

to get Autumn through.

Wow . . .

Autumn has 3 goals to work on for her Psychiatrist. We see Dr. Edwards every 2 months for medication monitoring and Autumn is old enough now to have goals that she comes up with herself.

Here are her goals:

1. Talk like an 11-year-old.

(Autumn constantly talks like a "baby".)

2. Make a list of ways to calm myself down.

3. Calm down by MYSELF!

So you put a kid like Autumn who has

major sensory problems,

is Autistic,

has ADHD,

and struggles in a major way

with any kind of change or transition

through a life-changing adventure such as puberty

and well . . . you have a . . .

MESS.

My heart breaks for Autumn.

Every change her body is going through she struggles with.

Breasts.

Body hair.

Body odor.

Growing height.

H e a v i e r weight.

You can't control puberty.

NO CONTROL.

It's Autumn's worse nightmare.

NO CONTROL.

Although I don't know exactly have the answers to getting her through this stage of her life I do have one technique I use to get by each day.

It is a technique her Psychiatrist

taught me and it's very basic.

Very Basic.

"Autumn . . . this is how it is."

"Autumn . . . this is your job."

"Autumn . . . it is what it is."

"Autumn . . . this is the rule."

"Autumn . . . we can't change the way things work."

Basically I tell her there is no compromise. This might seem cruel or inflexible however it is best for a child who is inflexible herself.

See with Autumn you would could argue with her until your blue in the face and never convince her that your way is the right way.

Puberty. It is what it is.

You can't control it.

You can't change it.

You just have to roll with it.

A Coola-Doula!

2010-12-09T23:01:00.001-05:00

I love childbirth.

I love babies.

I love supporting families during childbirth.

Here is my latest baby I helped bring into the world. Ok,so it didn't end in a vaginal birth. After four days of trying to give birth vaginally my best friend Sarah had a C-section but the end result was the same and I was there at the hospital supporting her the whole time!

Mercy Maranatha

September 16, 2010

Ten months before she was born I was a Doula to her cousin Henry's parents. You can find Henry's mom here. This birth too ended in a C-section but I was there the whole time to support the family.

Henry Thomas
November 9, 2009

Here are my two little peanuts. They are cousins!!!

I have my next Doula job all lined up!
The baby is due in April!!! Can't wait!

Life and Death

2010-12-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

Today was literally filled with Life and Death. I woke to a text message from one of my managers. She told me her sister had passed away early this morning. She was 50 years old and had battled breast cancer for 5 years. It was only 2 weeks ago that my manager's sister told her that her fight was over. I asked my manager what happened, I thought her sister was doing okay. She told me that for 5 years her sister fought cancer, fought hard. The pattern would go like this:

chemo . . . radiation . . . bad days . . . chemo . . . radiation . . . bad days

My manager thought that this Thanksgiving was just another bad day . . . until her sister told her that the cancer had spread to her liver. My manager waited for her sister to tell her what the next treatment was, she always told her what the next step would be.

What is the next step??? Her sister did not answer. She said . . . "that's it, there is no next step". Two weeks later she died.

I can't imagine losing a sister. I just can't.

Life is extremely fragile. God is in total control. I don't mean to get morbid but it's true. We have no control. Every relationship we have could end tomorrow. EVERY ONE.

My day began with death however ended with life.

My second job is as an adoption caseworker for a private adoption agency in New Jersey. Tonight I had to do a routine Post Placement Supervision for a family who was placed with an adorable newborn 4 months ago. This is a New Jersey placement so I am required to complete 4 supervisions before the adoption can be finalized. I was the one who approved this family during their home study process so I have known them and was routing for them during their wait to add a child to their family of three. They have a 7-year-old biological son and have turned to adoption to grow their family.

This family was matched with a birth family within 6 months. This is not typical and was very fast. In August they welcomed their daughter into their home. The birth mother and father already had a son and could not financially or emotionally care for another child. They painstakingly decided to parent their second child through adoption.

The adoptive couple was at the hospital with the birth family when their daughter was born via c-section. Since the birth of their daughter the families have communicated via email and the adoptive family has sent pictures and updates of their daughter.

Tonight was my third visit and all family members are doing great! The baby is growing strong and healthy. This visit reminded me of how lucky I am to have my two daughters. Although it is extremely difficult at times to parent them on my own I know that there are women and men who can not have children of their own.

I am extremely blessed to have given life to my two beautiful daughters. I am also blessed to have had the ability to parent them.

Life and Death. Both are so fragile.

God is in control.

Today

2010-12-07T23:24:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I've been trying to pull it together and for the most part I am. God is working on me and I like it. I have many, many areas of my life I need to work on but for now God is being patient with me and I love who I'm becoming. For the first time, well in a really long time, I feel like I'm becoming who I'm suppose to be.

For most of my life, well let's be honest, for my entire life I have felt like the black sheep. I said this to one of my friends the other day and he gave me that look like, "What? Your nuts". Well yeah I am nuts and I have felt nuts for a long time!

The more I get to know ~~myself~~ God, the more I realize that I am who I'm suppose to be. That might sound confusing and writing it is confusing me but it's true.

I dated a guy a couple months ago and he said I'm intense. At first he liked that about me, it was one of the things he was attracted to. He then became a super psychotic, narcissist and the INTENSE part of me was a major turn off to him. He would say, "You're so intense", but in a total negative way. He would make me feel ashamed about being "intense". At first I apologized for being SO "intense" but I now realize I LOVE that part of me! I LOVE being intense.

My feelings are intense.
I love deep.
I feel deep.
I hurt deep.
I care deep.
I laugh hard.
I cry hard.
I work hard.
I play hard.

It's who I am and I refuse to apologize for it. Some day, if God wants me to have a life partner, I will be with a man who LOVES my intensity. I want someone who is just as intense as me.

I think that's why I need to go to India, by myself. I need to learn more about God and in turn learn more about myself. I love who I'm becoming but there is SO much I need to work on. There is so much going through my head.

This I know.
I know that I love God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.
I know that I want to live a life that leads others to Him.
I know that I am not perfect and I never will be.
I know that I suffer from depression but that it's part of me, who I am.
I know I'm beginning to love this part of me, the part that suffers from depression.
I know that God has a super huge plan for my life and my children's lives.
I know that being a parent to a almost 17 year old scares the crap out of me.
I know that I could be a better parent. That I have messed up A LOT.
I know that I eat way too much.
I know that I'm ashamed I have gained weight after having gastric bypass surgery.
I know that this depresses me, A LOT.
I know that my thirst for more in life is a good thing.
I know that I could be a better friend.
I know I have let people down who are close to me.
I know I should love and treat my mom and dad better, they deserve more from me.
I know that one day I will wish I treated my mother with more respect.
I know that lack of forgiveness is at the root of my disrespect.
I know that God loves me . . . just as I am TODAY.
I know that it is very hard for me to BELIEVE what I know.

Sorry for rambling but I felt compelled to start writing again. I try so hard to "blog" so others will find it interesting but the truth is I then don't want to blog at all. I use to write a lot. I use to write poetry specifically. I didn't write for anyone else, it was for me. I still have my poetry books. So tonight I decided to write for me and I'm going to continue to write for me and God. I want Him to fill these pages and if someone decides to read the writings then good but I'm not going to write for the reader anymore. I wanted to write about Autumn and her struggles. I wanted to write about my weight struggle. I wanted to write about my trip to India. The truth is I'm going to write what I feel and if some of those topics come up then so be it.

That's it for now. I'm so tired and it's way past my bed time :).

TTFN

Tithing

2010-10-28T16:51:00.000-04:00

Money.

I struggle.

Big time, with money.

I make decent money.

I work two jobs.

Money.

I do not give with a joyful heart.

Money.

I give to my church, to God, out of obligation.

If I don't give a certain amount in my head I feel guilty.

My pastor told me I'm being legalistic.

I need to change.

I need to look at how I'm spending my money.

I need to give back to God because it's all His anyway.

I need to do it with a glad heart.

I have some research to do.

Some soul searching.

I need to give.

Real life

2010-10-26T22:36:00.001-04:00

Not sure what to write tonight. So much is going on. On Thursday I am going to meet with my pastor. I occasionally meet with him just to process some of the things going on in my life. One huge thing is about to happen and I want him to pray and bless me for this adventure.

I'm taking a leap of faith. I'm going to India!

Words really can't explain what is going on but I feel like my "real" life is merging with my "spiritual" life. I feel like I'm becoming my authentic self . . . it's pretty mind blowing and amazing!

If you'd like to see where I'm going click here.

This is really amazing. I will be going by myself . . . BY MYSELF. No one to distract me, no one to clutch onto, no one to use as a crutch . . . it's scary but it's what I need to do.

I told my mother I was going today. She told me, "You can't go by yourself!". I knew she would react that way. I simply told her, "God will protect me."

I can't wait to be Jesus' hands and feet. I've been waiting my whole life to get enough courage to do this. It took my heart being broken to give me the nerve . . . for that I am thankful. Something beautiful is coming out of my heartache.

Speaking of heartache that's a whole other post!!!!!

So my journey begins. I have no idea how I'm going to fund this trip. I have no idea how I will prepare Autumn for 3 weeks away from me. I have no clue how I'm going to travel by myself. It's pretty exciting!!!!

Please pray for me and my journey to India!

Since July 27, 2010

2010-10-25T11:22:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time. I quit blogging because I just was too, well confused, stressed, and just all around unfocused. Well I'm back!!!! And there has been a lot going on since then! I'm off to work but can't wait to catch up!!!!
~Love lost
~God's calling
~Orphans
~Summer Camp
~Camping
~Family fueds
~Love lost again
~Weight gain
~India
~Finances

Stretching my Faith, Stretching my Pockets

2010-07-27T16:21:00.002-04:00

Because of some unforeseen circumstances I can not reveal on this blog I am no longer going to be receiving my oldest daughter's child support money for at least 10 months.

Yikes!!!! WHAT???? How can this be????

Although I only get $300.00 a month it was comforting to know that every month on the same date (the 1st) 300 bucks would be deposited into my bank account. This was the case for nearly 15 years.

On June 24, 2010 this all changed. I was told I would get my July 1st money but starting in August ZERO would be deposited into my account.

GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing about God is that He has been tugging at my heart to become a better steward of His gifts to me, specifically my finances. I guess this is His way of saying, "Hey you!!! I'm serious, you have to do this!!!!!"

Ok so over the past month I've been getting use to the fact that I won't get my child support but then last night I received another phone call.

"Amy . . . . there is a problem with Rayne's health insurance now".

YIKES!!! GASP!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, you got it she does not have health insurance anymore either!!!!

God is surely stretching my faith!!!! So I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more!

This morning I told myself, "Amy, God will take care of you, don't worry". And you know what I believed it. I went into my HR department at work and told them I needed to add Rayne to my health insurance and ask for the rates as I knew it would be additional money. Not only did I lose my child support money but now I had to PAY to get her insurance.

Guess what???? God answered my prayers . . . the HR representative said, "THERE IS NO ADDITIONAL COST TO ADD RAYNE"! I then said, "OH PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!"

What a blessing, especially since Rayne has a surgeon's appointment tomorrow and she has physical therapy twice a week.

I also called her physical therapist to let him know the changes, to which he said, "Amy don't worry about it, I will treat her for free if I have to!"

God is good and I'm actually enjoying the stretching exercises he is giving me to do!!!!!!

Love Letter

2010-07-13T14:27:00.007-04:00

I wrote this love letter to the future Mr. Trouwbottom last year in May. I locked it in my locked box and forgot about it. A few weeks ago I had to look for something and I found it. God has perfect timing. I was going to get it out and read it but for some reason I was heald back, it was not the time. Last week my boyfriend and I broke up. This morning I remembered the letter and I ran downstairs to get it. Here it is . . . God is so good, so wise, and again has perfect timing. I'm so glad I did not read it a few weeks ago. I'm glad I read it today, July 13, 2010. I can't wait to give this to the future Mr. Trouwbottom!

May 9th, 2009
To my beloved husband,

I don't know who you are but I'm excited that God does. I want you to know that today, well actually yesterday I gave God the authority to write my love story.

Up until now I have tried to be in control. I have "picked" all my partners, I have not let God control any part of my dating life. I guess I never trusted God enough or I was afraid of who He was going to pick or I did not believe God would bless me with an incredible man like yourself, or somehow I did not feel deserving, or it was all these reasons rolled up into one. So today I give God the control, He is in charge of my LOVE LIFE, He is going to PICK YOU FOR ME!!

I am going to be patient.

I am going to be still.

I am going to pray everyday for you even thought I don't know you yet.

This is so exciting. I mean God knows me inside and out so you are my perfect match! I want you to know that from this day forward I will not date anyone who God has not picked.

He is preparing me for you!

If you are reading this then I want you to know that God has looked down and smiled on our relationship. Today, May 9, 2009 He has picked you and He has begun the wonderful journey of us finding one another!

I'm so excited to be your in your life! I'm so excited that no matter how long it takes from today I have saved myself for you and have given God total control in order to find you.

You are perfect for me because you are:
a man of God
diverse
kind
emotionally generous
truthful
intelligent
have a great sense of humor
a man of strong character
a communicator
a good father
patient

You are NOT:
rude
hold grudges
a pessimist
undependable
shy
racist
in denial
mean spirited
a liar
a hypocrite

I want God to write OUR love story and I am resting my faith and confidence in Him. This is extremely hard but I trust GOD. I trust that He will pick the perfect person to spend the rest of my life with. I'm excited, nervous, and I can't wait to meet you!!

Love,
Amy

Guess who's driving?

2010-07-11T20:38:00.006-04:00

I can hardly believe it myself.

YEP!

Rayne is driving!!!!

She just took her 6 hours of driving lessons so now she has her permit to drive!!!

I can't believe my sweet baby girl is old enough to drive!!!!

Here she is with my bff Tracey. I love this picture.

Isn't she so beautiful???? AND DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Messy Side of Depression - The Ugly Truth

2010-07-08T21:48:00.003-04:00

I suffer from DEPRESSION.

I see a psychiatrist.

I am on anti-depressant drugs.

I have tried to go off my medication several times . . . not a good idea.

Every month I get "LOW". It is clearly hormonal.

I can not just "snap out of it".

There is nothing you can do to help me when I am depressed.

Besides hormones these are the other things that can trigger my depression:

stress
lack of sleep
lack of exercise
lack of prayer
lack of communication with God
satan

The past 3 weeks my DEPRESSION has been kicking my butt.

It has not been my normal DEPRESSION that goes away in a week.

It has lingered. It has immobilized me. It has affected my relationships.

I decided to show you how it affects my living space.

This is embarrassing but it's the TRUTH.

When I'm depressed it literally paralyzes me. You can tell how bad my DEPRESSION is by the condition of my bedroom.

Again this is embarrassing but I'm done with FAKING IT.

HERE IT IS ....

DEPRESSION SUCKS!!!!

You'll be happy to know my room no longer looks like this! Two days ago my DEPRESSION slowly lifted and I had the energy to clean and organize.

Do you suffer from DEPRESSION???

Year 36 . . . . Philippians 3

2010-07-05T09:47:00.003-04:00

I'm now 36. It's now July. I have 10 months left before I turn 37. My desire is to make the most of these 10 months ahead of me. Last year I made a list, a long list, of things I wanted to accomplish. I was able to check some things off the list, others I still struggle with. I want to make a new list for this year, or for these next 10 months. But first I must preface it with verses from Philippians 3 because my number 1 desire is to find out what God wants from me.

"....we who worship by the Spirit of God, who glory in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh-----"

"----the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

"....and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you."

"....Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame."

"....by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

1) Seek God everyday. Talk to Him. Walk with Him. Read about Him. Listen for Him. Listen to Him.

2) Have no other gods before Him. No OTHER gods. NONE. Not TV, Not Facebook, Not the computer, Not music, Not men, Not my children, Not food, Not work, Not ANYTHING!

Last year I had a list of like 33 items. This year, this is it! A list of two.

"I'm not comfortable!!!!!!"

2010-07-04T22:10:00.003-04:00

Today is 4th of July and we had our annual 4th of July BBQ. The Trouwbottom BBQ is like no other. We eat all day long, from 1pm to 8pm. All the food is brought out in courses. It kinda goes like this:

1pm: Clam Fritters (Made by Uncle Gary who inherited the recipe from my late grandfather).

Hot Dogs (mainly for the kids)

BBQ chicken

Grilled Portabello Mushrooms with mozeralla, roasted red peppers, basil,and balsamic vinigarette

Corn on the cob

London Broil

Grilled spicy shrimp

Hamburgers

It's all spread out from 1pm-8pm, it's quit the experience.

Autumn has been going to these BBQ's since birth. Nothing should be a surprise for her so it is a safe comfortable space for her. In years past we have had to leave the event early, go for frequent walks, or have numerous time outs during the party.

Today she was pretty good. As usual Autumn had to have a seat right next to me. If someone sat next to me and she was not able to have a seat next to me it caused her to have a fit. At one point I told her, "Autumn you can't have things the same way all the time."

Around 3pm Autumn sat next to me and was whining very loudly, she finally screamed at me, "I'm not comfortable!!!!" I ask her if she wanted her medication and she said "YES!". After she took her medication I told her I was very proud of her that she used her words to tell me she was not feeling right.

At around 4:20pm Autumn was whining again about something and she then told me, "I need help!" What she meant was that she needed help controlling herself. I was pretty impressed! So I told her let's collect bottle caps which she was happy to do with me.

Later on in the evening she was eating watermelon. When she got to the watermelon rind she bit it into pieces and spit it out. She told me she loved how that felt on her lower teeth. Several times throughout the evening she told me she wanted something to chew on. "Like gum?", I asked her. She said, "No, something crunchy". She was clearly looking for the deep pressure the watermelon rind provided.

Over all she had a pretty good weekend. She continues to struggle with rigidity but I was shocked at how she verbalized her needs today!! Small steps, small steps!!!

It’s been a long time and my 36th birthday

2010-07-04T22:09:00.000-04:00

IT’S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME AND I HAVE SO MUCH TO WRITE ABOUT. I’M TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF STARTING A NEW BLOG TO DOCUMENT THE DAILY LIFE OF AUTUMN AND HER STRUGGLES. I STRUGGLE SOMETIMES WITH HER BEING SO HIGH FUNCTIONING AND THAT SHE DOESN’T “LOOK” LIKE SOMEONE THAT STRUGGLES WITH AUTISM OR ADHD OR ODD BUT THERE ARE SMALL THINGS THAT HAPPEN EACH DAY THAT CLEARLY DEFINE HER DISABILITIES. SO ANYWAY, I AM BACK AND I’M HAPPY TO BE BACK!

On my 35th birthday I made a list of things I want to accomplish before my 36th birthday. I turned 36 on May 5th. Let’s see how I did . . . I’m kinda scared to evaluate myself!:

1) Run an entire 5K. I've started to train this week. I'm excited and it feels so good. NOPE, NOT AT ALL, VERY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF!!!
2) Lose another 45 pounds, making my weight loss 165 total. HELLO!!! WITHOUT RUNNING AND NOW EATING MORE I HAVE NOT LOST ANY WEIGHT, IN FACT I GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!!!

3) Live a life free of secrets and demons . . . I want to live in the light, once and for all!!!! I’M DOING THIS, IT FEELS GOOD. IS STILL A STRUGGLE BUT I LOVE TRYING TO LIVE IN THE LIGHT!!!!

4) Finally paint my bedroom and hallways (I have had the paint for 7 months now!) PAINTED MY HALLWAY AND MY BEDROOM!!!! HAVE A FEW TOUCH UP AREAS TO COMPLETE BUT AS A WHOLE IT IS DONE!!

5) Simplify, simplify, simplify. NOT AS SIMPLE AS I’D LIKE, NEED SOME MORE WORK!

6) Come up with a filing system and stick to it. I HAVE WENT THROUGH A TON OF PAPERS, GOT RID OF SO MUCH, NOW JUST HAVE TO PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
7) Go on a mission trip, no matter how small or large . . . follow God's calling. I’VE BEEN SIDE TRACKED BIG TIME. I’M GOING TO CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR THIS.

8) Fall in love :) WELL I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE 2 TIMES THIS YEAR, I AM LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF AND GOD, I’M EXCITED TO SEE WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME IN MY 36TH YEAR.

9) Pay off my debt to my parents and my sister. YES! I HAVE PAID OFF MY MOM $1300 AND MY SISTER $700!!!

10) Live debt free. STRUGGLING WITH THIS, NEED TO STOP SPENDING!

11) Save two full months of living expenses and but it in my online savings account so I won't be tempted to touch it!!!! YEAH RIGHT!

12) Become comfortable with telling my mom, dad, and sisters I love them on a regular basis. Strange but true we do not do this and I wish we did. I can tell my kids and my close friends I love them but for some reason it makes me feel really, really vulnerable to tell my family I love them. GETTING THERE!

13) Transform my living space into a space of tranquility and peace . . . somewhere I can pray, meditate and meet with my Savior on a daily basis. NOT FULLY THERE YET!

14) Floss every day . . . one of my best friends is a dentist . . . I'm sure you wonder how I live with the guilt:)? I'm such a rebel!!!! MAN DOES SARAH WISH I DID THIS ONE!

15) Send out Christmas Cards. DIDN’T DO IT, BUT WAS PART OF MY LIVING DEBT FREE, TOO MUCH MONEY!!

16) Put carpet down in Autumn and Rayne's room so they don't have to live with cold concrete floors for another year!!!! DIDN’T DO IT, BECAUSE OF OUR FLOOD THIS YEAR!

17) Form a habit of prayer and devotion. I want to be in constant communication with God and look to his word each day. OH I WISH I COULD PUT "COMPLETED" ON THIS ONE:(!

18) Learn how to ice skate. I never learned when I was a kid . . . :( I was always the kid with boots on the lake! NOPE DIDN’T DO THIS!

19) Plant a vegetable garden. DID THIS BUT FAILED MISERABLELY AT IT, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR RIGHT?

20) Learn to drink water as a health practice, not a beverage! (My good friend Dan has been trying to teach me that for years!) UGH, DIDN’T DO THIS!

21) Somehow organized my pictures. NOPE!

22) Complete my tattoo on my back. COULDN’T AFFORD THIS ONE!

23) Grow my hair into a new style. DID THIS AND IT’S STILL GROWING!

24) Go on a solitude retreat. Meaning go away for a day or two by myself. DID NOT DO THIS
25) Start a trip fund for Rayne's High School Graduation Trip. SHe wants to go to LONDON! DIDN’T DO THIS YET!

26) Throw a lot of crap out!!!!! DONE THIS, SO MUCH MORE TO THROW OUT! "OUT WITH THE OLD, OUT WITH THE OLD".

27) Get my body checked for skin cancer! NOPE! 

28) Pray with my children. UGH! NOPE!

29) Go to the beach a lot this summer! NOPE!

30) Have a fantastic Halloween Costume this year! I DID LOOK GOOD AS A HIPPEE THIS YEAR!

31) Start my poetry journal again. NOPE 

32) Learn to like one new vegtable (yuck!). NOPE!

33) Read more . . . I just never get around to it! NOPE!

34) Love Jesus with all my heart, soul, and mind. STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS

35) Live simply so that others may simply live ~ Ghandi AMEN

Date

2010-04-08T17:14:00.000-04:00
I'm going on a date on Monday night! I had to tell someone!

Loving your oppositional child . . .

2010-04-03T15:46:00.003-04:00
I have a child who is oppositional AND I love her. At times I do not like her, at times she really gets on my nerves, AT times (gulp) I don’t feel like being her mother. You too might have an ODD child. When I say ODD I don’t mean odd as in odd-ball, although she does fit that definition:), when I say ODD I mean the psychiatric diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I saw early signs of this with Autumn, at age 3 I knew I was going to have my hands full.

Here is the clinic criteria for a child diagnosed with ODD:

You might have a child with ODD if your child’s oppositional behaviors:

Are persistent (Yep, persistence is autumn’s specialty!)
Have lasted at least six months (we are going on 7 years!!!)
Are clearly disruptive to the family and home or school environment (she can make everyone miserable at home, she was kicked out of summer camp on the first day and she has been sent home from school more times than I can count!)

The following are behaviors associated with ODD:

Negativity (Everything is negative with Autumn!)
Defiance (she does not care about getting in trouble)
Disobedience (Rules are made to be broken!)
Hostility directed toward authority figures (She’s not hostile however she
does not have a healthy fear for authority)

These behaviors might cause your child to regularly and consistently show these signs and symptoms:

Temper tantrums (queen of temper tantrums, even at age 10)
Argumentativeness with adults (She does not argue, she shuts down)
Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules (Authority does not Phase her)
Deliberate annoyance of other people (Annoying is not the word!)
Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior (It’s everyone else’s fault!)
Acting touchy and easily annoyed (Everything seems to annoy Autumn)
Anger and resentment (Her face says it all, picture a scowl!)
Spiteful or vindictive behavior (Not so much, thank god!)
Aggressiveness toward peers (when she’s in the zone, yes!)
Difficulty maintaining friendships (So sad, but yes, friends don’t come easy)
Academic problems (Yes, last year they wanted to retain her)

Related mental health issues
Oppositional defiant disorder often occurs along with other behavioral or mental health problems such as:

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) (YES!)
Anxiety (YES!)
Depression (Have not seen this yet but it’s looming!)

So how do you love a child with this disorder? With Autumn it is easy. Although she can be extremely difficult she can also be the most loving, caring, sensitive child. Her smile lights up a room, her laugh is contagious. I try to remember her good qualities when I’m at my wit’s end. Lately I have been taking deep breathes to get through the moments. I try not to yell, I definitely do not hit. I use to spank, but at around age 3 autumn started to show signs of violence. Spanking made no sense, and honestly spanking did not phase her. Disappointment, yelling, reprimanding does not seem to phase her. Time outs work, taking tv away works, going to bed early works.

Presently I am thankful for the quiet times with autumn. As I write this she is sitting quietly drawing on her dry erase board. She is happy, content. Nothing is bothering her for the moment. I pray one day she grows out of this. I pray that she accepts rules and the way things are supposed to be. She has been resisting school again, she wants me to home school her:). If I could, maybe I would home school her, although she is overly attached to me so I’m not sure what that would do to our relationship. And who am I kidding, I couldn’t handle her, if I’m honest there are days I go to work and thank god I can get out of the house.

After writing this I’m not sure how helpful this is. Not sure I even answered the question, “how do you love your oppositional child”. I guess I just needed to get this out, I have been struggling myself for a while now. Autumn’s opposition and crabby attitude has been escaladed lately. We have had to increase her medications. At age 10 she has hit puberty which has not helped in the hormone department. She is also pissed at her body, she does not want to grow up. She wants her body to stop growing up. For a kid who does not transition well you could imagine what puberty (a major transition) would be like!!!!

So for now I take it one day at a time. Some days I take it one minute at a time. It’s all I can do. More on this later, I’m going to go enjoy my daughter :)!

10 Happy Things!

2010-03-05T13:55:00.001-05:00

What are 10 things that make you happy????
Here are mine:
1) Thunder and lightning. I love the rain (hence my daughter's name, RayneJ). I even have a CD of thunder storms, it's one of my favorites, so relaxing. I especially love a midday thunder storm, there really is nothing that makes me happier!
2) The perfect summer day at the beach. I love the kind of day where you spend the afternoon down by the ocean, when it hits 5:00pm and the life-guards get everyone out of the water then leave for the day, we just sit there during low tide with our feet in the water, or in a circle talking to one another, eating dinner we packed for the occasion. The kids can swim and play and all the bennies have gone home, only the locals remain. It really is a perfect time, lounging about with the sand in between your toes. Perhaps I could work on cross-stitch or read a magazine. Ahhhh I can't wait!
3) ChapStick makes me happy. I really only like the original kind, you know the kind in the black tube. Nothing is better then smackin' my lips with some good ol' ChapStick . . . really I'm smiling now just thinking about it!
4) Newborn babies make me happy. I LOVE the newborn stage. My sister hates it, she'd much rather deal with a toddler. Not me, I love holding and caring for a newborn. I love rocking a baby to sleep and falling asleep myself while they sleep on my chest.
5) Photography. I love pictures, all kinds. I love looking at my own photographs and I love looking at other people's photos even if I don't know them. There is so much you can tell from a picture and then again there is so much to interpret. I guess that's what I like about it, I often wonder what others think of my pictures if they don't know me.
6) Burnt food. I LOVE burnt food and it makes me so happy to eat it! In our house, if we make cookies I will take the cookies out and then put back a few in the oven so they can get really dark and crisp. Interestingly I like my meat cooked medium-rare, this is the only exception, otherwise please make my food extra crispy!!!!
7) Autumn's laugh makes me extremely happy, not only her laugh but her smile. To have a daughter who is tortured by diagnosis after diagnosis and who is not comfortable in her own skin sometimes, to have her laugh and smile is the best feeling in the world. She has a really, really great laugh, it cracks us all up, and her smile is straight from HeavenJ!!!
8) Fist-pumping with Rayne makes me happyJ! I'm cracking up right now thinking about it. There are key, popular songs on the radio, that when they play, creates a fist-pumping, dance-crazy, reaction for Rayne and I. If you are ever beside us in the car you will know when this reaction occurs, the music will be blasting, the car will be rocking, and you will see both front seat passengers pumping their fists and dancing to the beat!!!!
9) Being alone makes me happy. I love having alone time, not in an anti-social way but just a quiet afternoon is just grand!
10) Being Jesus' hands makes me happy. I love serving God, I'd much rather get my hands dirty then "preach" about God.
Soooo???? What are you waiting for? What makes you happy??????

My little hoarder!

2010-03-04T13:03:00.003-05:00

Autumn is a hoarder. I suppose its all part of her PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder) or a learned trait from her momma, but the truth is she LOVES HER STUFF!!!!

My sister was throwing out a dried flower wreath and Autumn just HAD to have some of the dried flowers. Hilary did her best to slowly pry the flowers from Autumn's little fingers but she managed to save a few flowers for her room. Since our flood we threw out everything in autumn's room except for the necessities and her most favorite toys. Slowly things are creeping back in. What she has managed to get back in her room so far:

Shoe box from Hilary's room she just HAD to have.
12 sheets of paper with stickers on them.
Bunch of dried flowers.
2 books she took from our "give away" bins.
Now this might not seem like a lot to you but this is only the start. These items will multiply and soon we will have the same hoarding situation like before the flood. I believe it all has to do with anxiety. It's her way of controlling her environment.

On another anxiety note Autumn has been obsessing about Middle School again.

SHE IS IN 4^th GRADE FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She cried herself to sleep last night thinking about it. She's going to get lost, she won't know how to get on the bus, she won't know how to get to the nurse to take her meds, she won't know who to get to class, she won't know how to find her locker. I keep reassuring her that I will make sure she knows all these things, that she has an IEP and her caseworker will work with her to make sure she's okay. This doesn't help. At least she has only contained it to Middle School. I use to hear about High School and College too.

In two years I will have a hoarding middle-schooler on my hands!!!! LORD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quit Faking It

2010-03-03T11:25:00.002-05:00
So my friend Courtney over at Storing Up Treasures just wrote an EXCELLENT post about faking it.

She writes about faking it:

"It is particularly an issue in the Christian circles. It is like if we admit we are completely and utterly human - than we somehow are disappointing everyone. I get tired of it. And I don't think it is being a good witness despite what some people think. You can argue with me all you want. But, God cannot be glorified in our prideful, pretending selves. He is glorified in our weakness. He is glorified when we are willing to say I'm really screwed up. That is why we need Jesus. I mean if we really had it all together like we pretend to, what on earth would we need Him for?"

So here it goes . . .

I am really screwed up and I too Jesus something fierce!

Here are some of the things I fake:
~ I fake being happy. Really most people are surprised to find out I take anti-depressants. "You laugh all the time, you are so cheery, I would never think that." Truth is I suffer from terrible depression. Right now I am depressed. Right now I don't want to go to work. Right now I want to go home and get in bed and sleep.

~ I fake that I pray a lot. I always tell people I'll pray for them, their lucky if I give a 2 second prayer up to God. It really sucks. I want to be a prayer warrior, truth is I'm not, I suck at praying.

~ I'm a hoarder and a horrible house keeper. Right now my house and living area looks great because my bedroom and my kids bedrooms were just flooded so we were forced to get rid of most things but the truth is I keep everything and unfortunately so does Autumn. I filled up a small dumpster with "stuff" all of which had no real value. I hate picking up the house. I hate doing dishes. I will leave dirty dishes in the sink for days, it doesn't bother me. I don't make my bed or make my kids make their beds, and it doesn't bother me. I don't put my clothes in the hamper and it doesn't bother me. Sure I love a clean house but I'd much rather curl up on the couch and read a magazine then clean.

~ I live paycheck to paycheck. I have no savings and no college funds for my kids. When it was really tough I emptied my kids savings accounts and haven't been able to replace the money I took.

~ The amount of money both my sister's make, makes me mad. I have the highest education in my family and I make the least. Yes it is a choice, yes I am a social worker, yes I work for a non-profit agency but it still makes me really mad that my sisters and brother-in-law make so much more than me. I have my masters and am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and I make the least!!!!! I have the most resonsibility and I make the least!!!!! It doesn't seem fair to me.

~ I fake it big time with my kids. Half the time I don't listen and just nod my head and say yes. It's horrible, I'm a space cadet some days. My 16 year old calls me on it now, not the best example of communication!!!! Sometimes just them leaning on me makes my skin crawl. I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don't like them all the time. I yell and I get an attitude. Somedays I suck as a mom.

~ Over the past 3 years I have become someone who doesn't follow through. I hate these kinds of people and I am now admitting that I have become one of them. I'll say yes to almost anything and in the past I have follow through with most of my "yes'" but lately I don't even do that.

~ I act like I'm a huge advocate for Autism, but honestly I just don't have the time to put into it. I wish I did. I wish I could learn all I need to learn for Autumn's sake but I don't. I don't read much about it and I envy the blogs I read that are dedicated to Autism and their children. I'm guess I'm just tired. Tired of talking about it when I have to live with it.

There is much more truth to me, I'll continue on when I have more time, you know like when I'm not cleaning my house!

Courtney wants to start a Mommy revolution. Will you join us and quit faking it? Will you start blogging about your real life and not the life you want us all to believe you are living?

"And if you want to stop faking it. Copy the code below. Add this button to your blog. Or better yet, write your own "Quit Faking it" post and post the button there. Encourage your readers to quit faking it too."

MIRACLE

2010-02-18T19:15:00.002-05:00

My best friend when to the doctor today for a follow-up visit to confirm she really did have a blighted ovum. Last week when they did the ultrasound there was no baby :(. There was the embryonic sac but no baby. Today they would decide what to do, induce the miscarriage with drugs or have her go for a D&C.

Over the past 7 days my friend has been going crazy with emotions. But something very significant happened. First of all she was prayed over by some very powerful prayer warriors. Second of all God is in control, we are not.

Today when she had an ultrasound THERE WAS A BABY!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONLY A BABY BUT A BABY WITH A VERY HEALTHY STRONG BEATING HEART!!!!!

GOD IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Car Wash

2010-02-14T10:51:00.000-05:00
Rayne was in a play this weekend. She truly is a natural. Never nervous. Just get's up there and turns it on!!!! Here is a snipit of her act.

Heavy Hearted on Valentine's Day

2010-02-13T10:28:00.000-05:00
My best friend lost her baby this week. She was 7 weeks pregnant. I can't explain how I feel about this. Her little sister called me with the news. It's been a rough week for all of us but I can't imagine how rough it has been for my friend and her husband.

The good news is we all believe the baby is with Jesus. Some day my friend will be reunited with her wee-one. Will you pray with me? Pray for the healing my friend needs to move on. Pray that God will give her a healthy baby in the near future. Please pray.

I must admit this brings out tons of emotions in me.

GUILT is the biggest emotion right now. I feel guilt for so many different things. Guilt that I am SO fertile. That a man looks at me and I'm impregnated. That at 18 years old I was so irresponsible and got pregnant without even thinking about it. That at 25 my ovulation lined up "just right" on that fateful afternoon in December 1998.

I feel guilty that I can't handle my kids at times. That my 10 year old with Autism drives me to tears, that my depression takes over because parenting her is just too much sometimes. That my 16 year old and I fight, it seems, day and night. If only my friend and the couples I meet who are infertile could go through this. They would kill to go through this.

My part-time job as an adoption caseworker only compounds my guilt at times. I cringe every time a wanting couple asks me about my kids. I cringe when they ask, "How old?". When I reveal I have a 16 year old I always get the "shocked" look, and the standard response of, "You don't look like you could have a 16 year old." To which I have to answer, "Yes I was VERY young when I had her".

GUILT.

I also have guilt because I'm feeling depressed lately. I'm actually going nuts. The space I created with my boyfriend is killing me. And if I'm honest the last few days I have not created space but have suffocated him with emails, phone calls, and texts.

It seems he now is the one who wants space.

He's right but me in my female-hormonal induced craziness is now going nuts. I now am yearning for his company, his voice, his touch. I now want him with me.

But what about the Holy Spirit? What about what HE revealed to me over the toilet? Have I forgotten all that?

YEP!

I hate myself for this. Why am I not running to Christ? Why am I not having FAITH? Why am I not putting my love life in the hands of my FATHER?

GUILT

My best friend is broken hearted. I "think" I'm broken hearted, but really compared to her pain I am not.

I have some soul searching to do. I have to talk to God. I have to run to HIM instead of picking up the phone, or typing an email, or texting a message. I have to pick up His Word. Search for the answeres. Find the clarity I'm looking for. I need to get rid of this GUILT.

So this Valentine's Day it looks like I'm alone. I suppose it's the best way for me to be right now.

ALONE

But really . . . am I?

16 YEARS

2010-02-12T11:46:00.000-05:00

Rayne Theodora Bailey Trouwborst

16 Years

I can not believe it.

You are so beautiful. So smart. So funny.

You hold my heart. My first born. My baby.

I can not imagine what the next 16 years will bring!

What I am thankful for . . . today

2010-02-10T14:18:00.000-05:00
1) . . . for my late grandmother Lillian. I miss her a lot lately . . . I loved her so much.
2) . . . for my sister and her generosity. She opened her house to me and my kids and it truly feels like home.
3) . . . for my job. Although I don’t always appreciate it I am thankful for what I do and my ability to do it.
4) . . . for sugar-free Kool-Aid. I had no clue it was so good!!!!!!
5) . . . for my friends, who love me no matter how many times I screw up.
6) . . . for Autumn. She is truly UNIQUE and a blessing straight from Heaven.
7) . . . for Rayne. She is a vision of beauty . . . really . . . have you seen a recent picture of this kid?
8) . . . for Rayne’s father Frazz. We don’t always get along but he is a blessing.
9) . . . for music. It feeds my soul.
10) . . . for the Bible. I take it for granted . . . every day.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

SNOW

2010-02-07T16:07:00.000-05:00

It has snowed here.

And snowed.

And snowed . . .

And did I mentioned SNOWED!!!!!

Autumn hasn't minded! In fact she loves the snow and it provides tons of "heavy work" for her to do which helps her tremendously with all her sensory issues!!!!! She has the same reaction to sand and water. Put her on a beach or in a pool and she is in hog heaven!!!!!!

I recently went to a workshop on Autism and the psychologist who spoke emphasized how important it was to take care of our children's sensory issues first. I agree whole heartily. Autumn can not function when her sensory issues are not taken care of, and you don't want to be around when she short circuits!!! So for the next few days she will enjoy the snow, and our house will be a little quieter!

Still listening

2010-02-04T22:34:00.000-05:00
I'm still listening to God. My stomach has recovered but my heart has not. You see the guy I have "created space" with was well a great guy. I thought he was the one. Maybe he still is, IF God wants him to be. All I know is God wants me to step away. Remarkably I feel really good about it. I mean don't get me wrong I'm going through withdrawal.

Me and my guy use to talk several times a day so not having that is strange.

But guess what? I have clarity again. For the first time in 3 months it's clear that God had a HUGE calling he wants me to fulfill. I just know it.

Foster care is one of the callings. I don't know when and I have a feeling it's years from now but I know I will be a foster parent. I can't wait! This morning God told me I would be and the exciting part is that He also revealed to me that Autumn will be greatly involved. This makes sense since she loves babies. She might be socially challenged but she loves holding and caring for babies. I have a feeling we are going to be a great team for Christ some day!!!!!

Well I have to go . . . there's a big storm heading my way . . . good time to LISTEN to what God has to say . . . just me and 2 feet of snow!!!!

Listening to God through vomit and diarrhea

2010-02-02T21:24:00.000-05:00
Do you believe God speaks to you? I mean really speaks to you?

I want to talk to you honestly. I'm afraid I have not been that honest in my blogs, maybe it's because I fear you will judge me, whoever "you" maybe that is reading this. Perhaps I am afraid I will offend someone, as I have in the past over my blog. Perhaps I'm afraid to really let "me" shine through. The truth is I'm tired. The truth is I don't think I can afford not to be honest on here. I have always been a writer. In high school and college I wrote poetry to show the world my "truth". After I graduated from college I stopped writing, not for lack of material but perhaps lack of time? I had 2 small children when I graduated with my masters so with a 6 year old and a newborn I stopped writing.

So anyway on to what I was asking you. Do you believe God speaks to you? If I'm honest I don't think I truly believed that . . . until this weekend.

God brought me to my knees. Literally, over the toilet bowl, on my knees, puking up my intestines. He had me sitting on the toilet as well, not only did I have a stomach virus that made me throw-up the contents of my stomach for 20 hours straight,He also blessed me with diarrhea for 48 hours straight. God spoke to me.

I know it might seem totally bizarre to some people that God would choose to speak to me through such a disgusting bodily function as vomiting and diarrhea but the truth is He did, He was there. In fact before I realized it was Him I was actually crying out to Him, "Why me, Lord, what did I do?"

You see in that moment the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Literally spoke to me. He told me to "Step Back" . . . "Create Space". I've been dating a great guy. This weekend we spent some time together. Then I got deathly ill . . . yes God was telling me to take a break from this relationship.

Now I could have resisted.

I could have told myself I was crazy to think that a stomach virus was the Holy Spirit speaking.

I could have told myself, I'm just sick, it will pass, he's a great guy.

I could have not listened.

But guess what????

I have chosen to listen. I have chosen to go with my gut . . . well go with the Holy Spirit.

I listened. I told him I needed space.

Then I cried. And cried, and cried. But guess what, God is with me. He knows what is in store for me and I'm willing to take the chance that Holy Spirit spoke to me.

It's pretty exciting. Really, scary. Pretty amazing. Pretty hurtful. Pretty raw. Pretty real.

So does God speak to you?

Marathon

2010-01-27T11:17:00.001-05:00
So I decided to run the NJ Marathon Relay this year . . . AGAIN! Last year it poured the entire time . . . and I don't mean drizzle I mean POUR!!!!!!! It was still so much fun. Last year I ran for the Kourtney Rose Foundation . Team Kourtney was such a great organization to run for!!!!

This year I am running for my agency. We provide services to individuals with developmental disablilities. Our primary clientle have physical disabilities.

So yesterday I started training. I ran 1.5 miles and I almost had a heart attack. I'll be running the 7.9 mile leg so I have a long way to go. I will keep you updated on my progress.

I also plan on drinking massive amounts of water and stop eating at 8pm every night. Hopefully it will get some of this poundage off!!!!

2010

2010-01-17T17:01:00.000-05:00
So far in 2010 I . . .
1) Haven't blogged :(
2) Found an incredible man :))))))))
3) Turned into a mother of a 16 year old :)
4) Have increased my adoption work :)
5) Haven't ran :(
6) Haven't been to church :(((((((((((((

What I want to do in 2010 . . .
1) Run 7.9 miles in the NJ Marathon
2) Lose 50 pounds
3) Paint my room
4) Get back to church . . . :)))))))))
5) Become debt free
6) Blog once a week
7) Become organized

So Sad

2009-12-02T22:40:00.001-05:00

My 15 (almost 16 YIKES!) year old daughter Rayne loves soccer. She has been on the field since she could walk. Up until this summer she played ever chance she got. She was on a high level Academy team and played for her high school team. On average she would be on the field 6 days a week.

In July she had Cartilage Reconstructive Surgery on her right knee.

It was a tough surgery and it meant Rayne would be off the field for a year . . . at least.

We knew that going into it but today Rayne got a reality check and a reminder of how serious the surgery was and still is.

We went to her surgeon today for a routine check up. She asked when she could start running. He said, "Not until 9 months". She asked if she could play soccer in the fall . . . He said, "I will probably let you play . . . HOWEVER . . . not more than 1 game a week AND not more than 1 team!" This crushed Rayne. She is use to playing on 2 teams and playing at lest 3 games a week. He reminded her that this surgery was to make her knee good for the rest of her life, NOT so she could play this fall.

It took Rayne a few minutes for it to sink in. We knew this going into it but I think she didn't realize it would really be 18 months by the time she could play again.

She cried the entire 45 minutes ride home. This broke my heart. Having a teenager I am use to her tears, but hey are usually caused by me . . . whether I yell at her for something or discipline her. I can handle those tears but the tears today were different . . . Rayne is a tough kid and rarely ever cries . . . I couldn't do anything, I can't fix this for her.

It was so sad.

She will continue Physical Therapy 3 times a week. SHe will continue not to run or dribble or kick. She will continue to be sad:(.

A Coola Doula

2009-11-17T10:42:00.000-05:00
Growing up I always wanted to be a doctor. As I got into my teenage years I narrowed it down to Obstetrics and Gynecology. I entered my freshman year of college in 1992 and chose to go to a small Christian liberal arts college. I was on the pre-med track and took my first huge Biology class. I must admit it was overwhelming. There was so much information to learn. Everyone knows during a pre-med track that the first few classes are created to weed out the weak ones. I wasn't necessarily weak, I was unfocused, young, and thought I knew everything. By the end of my first semester I was put on academic probation.

I don't know what I was thinking . . . well I wasn't thinking. I started to skip classes . . . I was failing. Med school was not looking good.

Fast forward to May 1993, it was the end of my freshman year, my grad point average was 1.8 . . . YES 1.8!!!! Oh and my period was late!!!! It was the week of final exams and I knew something was not right, especially since my menstrual cycle was like clockwork . . . every 27 days no matter what.

I took a pregnancy test in my friend Heather's dorm room. My friend Rebecca was there with me as well. Here I was, 18, not in a committed relationship and failing out of college. If you have ever waited for a pregnancy test to show you the results you know that 3 minutes seems like 3 hours. Well it was POSITIVE, I was pregnant.

My increasingly growing belly coupled with my horrific grade point average put my dreams of becoming a doctor to rest. Miraculously becoming pregnant did wonders for my GPA . . . I enrolled in community college and graduated with a 4.0! I only took one semester off to give birth to Rayne who was born on January 13, 1994. During my pregnancy is when I realized I wanted to become a social worker instead of a doctor. I took a Teen Pregnancy class at our local hospital, it is there I had my first run in with the profession of social work and I fell in love with it. I realized the reason I wanted to become a doctor was to help people . . . and that is what social work is all about.

I eventually graduated with my Bachelors of Social Work and then went on and got my Masters of Social Work. I continued and obtained my License of Clinical Social Work which is the highest level of licesure for social work.

What does this have to do with being a DOULA you might ask???? Everything . . . I love pregnancy and birth, it's why I wanted to go into medicine. It's why I wanted to become a doctor. It's why now I want to become a DOULA . . . a Coola Doula!!!!

Every chance I get I attend a birth. I am calm, cool and collected. I thrive in an emergency, and I don't mind the sight of blood. I was there for my friend Tracey, 11 years ago today when she gave birth to her daughter Julia. I was there for my friend Cheryl, 9 years ago when she gave birth to her daughter Jael. When my sister was a surrogate for her best friend I was there when their son Chance was born.

This year I have decided to seriously become a doula, birthing coach, what ever you want to call it. And guess what???? I had my first clients!!!!!

Mrs. Pilgrim and her husband Dreamboat decided to use me as their Doula! On November 9, 2009 I got the call at 5:30am . . . I was sooooo PUMPED!!!

The result?????

HENRY THOMAS BYRD
6 Pounds, 2 Ounces
20 Inches Long

The birth ended up being an emergency c-section. I was not allowed in the OR but I stayed at the hosptial the whole time making phone calls to all the friends and family. I was able to help them in their hospital room. Get what ever they needed. Take pictures of everything. And just serve them in any way I could. I spent a total of 14 hours with them and I loved every minute of it!!!

This confirmed it . . . it's my calling. I want to do this as a ministry, to serve God. I'm not interested in money. I want to serve woman who might not have a supportive partner.

Just call me the COOLA DOULA!!!!

D-N-A = L-O-V-E?

2009-11-07T20:33:00.000-05:00

I have a journal. Not any kind of journal. It's a journal for Autumn and her dad and sadly it's only 5 pages long. It's a journal documenting every time he has had contact with us or visited Autumn. This week I had to put in an entry, first time in 2 years.

Autumn has been communicating with her 18 year old brother, who she has never met, for the past 2 months in letters. Her last letter she wrote, "Do you know where are dad is? Do you see him?" I knew this would mean a phone call would be coming my way.

Kevin called me. I took a deep breath and told him I was willing to work with him so he can see Autumn. He has not seen her in 2 years. This has been my decision. In 10 years he has only seen her 3 times and has only paid $100.00 in child support. With all of Autumn problems I decided that enough is enough, he can not walk in and out of her life anymore so two years when he wanted to see her after not seeing her for a year I said "No". I told him, "If you would like to see your daughter, and you are serious then take me to court". Well . . . he never did.

Today Autumn is much healthier, stronger, and more mature then she has ever been. This is why I decided that Kevin can see her again. And of course he is singing the same song as he always has . . . things will be different, he's sticking around, he's not going to walk out of her life anymore.

Two weeks ago I agreed to meet with Kevin alone, without Autumn. I told him I wanted to get him up to date on Autumn. Up until this point he has been so sporadic in his visitation that he did did not know of any diagnosis' or treatments. We met at Monmouth Mall in the food court. We talked. I gave him print outs of all Autumn's diagnosis' including PDD-NOS, ADHD, and ODD. His response . . . "There's nothing wrong with my baby". I responded by telling him he is going to have a very hard time with her if he doesn't accept that there is something wrong with her. He also asked, "What would happen if she didn't take all her medication?" I told him, "You don't want to find out!"

On Sunday Kevin, Autumn, and I went bowling. Autumn loves bowling so I thought this would be a good start. Kevin began the visit by trying to hug Autumn, which she did not like. We bowled our 1st game and throughout the entire game Kevin tried to touch and hug, and squeeze her shoulders. She was very uncomfortable. His mother called him on his cell phone. He answered and then gave the phone to Autumn to say hello to her grandmother. Of course Autumn did not speak, after several minutes of awkward silence I finally said, "Kevin, she is not going to say hello!".

Autumn was done after one game. She said she wanted to go home. Kevin offered to take us out to eat, to Applebee's, Autumn's favorite resturant. Autumn said, "NO". She was done. We walked out and Kevin tried to hug her, she pulled away. He said, "I love you" and then told Autumn to "Tell me you love me". I laughed under my breath. She of course refused.

When we got home she melted down. She burried her head in the couch. After about an hour she was back to herself. The next day at about 9:30am I recieved a call from her teacher, Autumn was having a hard time at school. She was under her desk, laying on the floor. The child was in pain. I told her teacher that she saw Kevin and right away her teacher put two and two together. I agreed to pick her up. I usually don't pick Autumn up for this type of behavior but this day was different. She was in pain, her heart was broken, again, by her father.

We went out to lunch and Autumn said, "No more mom. I don't want to see him anymore". This girl knows what she wants, or rather, doesn't want. I respect her for that. She has gone through more in 10 years then a lot of people.

Monday night I told Kevin what happened. He told me, "All I know is she is my baby and I love her and I'm willing to take as long as takes for this to happen". I haven't heard from him since.

DNA does not equal LOVE. I know that, Autumn knows that, and I wish for Autumn's sake Kevin would get that.

School is Great!

2009-10-16T08:56:00.000-04:00
So we increased Autumn's Risperdal to .10mg every morning and then .5mg if she needs it during the day. This has been quite successful. I must admit though, I hate giving my daughter medication. She takes 4 pills in the morning: Adderall 15mg (2 pills) and Risperdal .10mg (2 pills). Then she takes Adderal 10mg at 12pm and again at 4pm. At night she takes 10mg (2 pills) of Meletonin to help her fall asleep, without it she would be up until at least 12 midnight each night, with it she is sleeping by 8pm.

School is great. I can't believe I just wrote that. Her teacher, Mrs. Detata is a true blessing sent sraight from Heaven. She has a 6 year old son with Aspergers so she totally "gets" Autumn. It's only October 16 and she has fully bonded with Autumn! Last year Autumn never bonded with her teacher . . . hence the report card with all the F's!!!

All of Autumn's work is modified now. It is awesome. We did hit a roadblock though. She get's pulled out for Resource Reading for 90 minutes a day. There are 4 students in the class as opposed to 26 students, GREAT right? NOPE!!!! Huge problem with the timing, you see the 90 minutes starts the second Autumn gets into school. She literally has to put her things away and then walk down to the Resource room. NO TRANSITION TIME. For someone like Autumn this is a HUGE problem. Autumn does NOT transition well, if at all. So this is what I heard EVERY weekend, and EVERY morning, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL, I DON'T WANT MRS. OLDS"!

So I had a huge decision to make. Do I keep her in Resource which is the perfect place for her to learn, or do I let her stay in her regular class room? A few things went through my mind when making this decision. Am I giving into her oppositional defiant tendencies? Am I giving up too soon? Do I let my daughter be miserable all year? Do I have her fight and refuse everyday?

I made a decision. I pulled her out of Resource. I still can't believe I did it, I had fought for 7 years to get her classified, I finally do and then I pull her out!!! But like Autism, Autumn is unpredictable and I have learned to bend with her as well as with Autism. I know I made the right decision. I know that she will be successful with her regular ed teacher, especially since she is in full support of Autumn and Autumn's educational goals.

It's been one week and Autumn is happy, her teachers are happy, and I am happy. She goes with Mrs. Olds at the end of the day and it is fine, she actually likes going. It's all about the timing.

So I say this all to say, School is Great!