Saturday, July 27, 2013

Forgiven and Free

Tuesday I'm getting some new ink.  

I'm excited.  I love, love, love tattoos.  It makes me who I am now.  I'm unique and I am able to show the world my uniqueness by the ink on my skin. 

So that's Tuesday but today I have been sitting on the concept of forgiveness.  Why can't I forgive myself?  I can forgive everyone else.  I have forgiven my father for drinking too much when I was a kid.  I have forgiven my mom for enabling him (okay so I still struggle with this, I'm not perfect).  I have forgiven Rayne's dad for the hurtful words he has written me over the years and more importantly for his silence for the past 20 years.  I have forgiven Autumn's father for well not being a father.  I have forgiven friends that have hurt me.  I have forgiven guy after guy who have hurt me.  

There is one person I have not forgiven .... ME.

Because I have not forgiven myself for sins I have done I let these sins haunt me and then well . . . . I sin again.   It's a vicious cycle and I'm getting tired of it.  The freedom I feel when I'm not entrapped in sin is AMAZING.  Let me say it again . . . FREEDOM IS AMAZING.  So why, oh why can't I forgive myself long enough to stay FREE?  

I need to work on this.  I need to sink my teeth into what God says about forgiveness.  It's an insult really that I can't forgive myself.  It's an insult to God who gave his son to DIE for my life.  

HE FORGAVE ME.  Period. End of story.  I AM FORGIVEN.  I AM FREE.  

I need to stop looking back and move forward.  Today I started to let go. I started to feel that feeling of freedom again.  It felt great.  

Tuesday I'm getting fresh ink . . . forgiveness and freedom will be my theme.  I figure having an instant reminder of God's forgiveness and freedom tattooed on my body should help me with my daily struggle.  Tattoos are not just body art to me but they are healing and my way of telling the world my story.  

(Stay tuned)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Mountian Moving God

It's been over 18 months since I have written.   This week has been rough and because I want to move forward not backward I feel like writing is a way for me to heal, be creative, move forward.

A lot has happened.  So much so that I do not know where to start.  I have a lot in my head, in my heart, in my soul that I would like to put down on paper but fear I will never have the time or courage. 

Tonight there is a tugging at my heart . . . my desire to be a foster mother is becoming stronger and stronger with each year that goes by.  I turned 39 this year and part of me grieved that I would not birth another baby from my body . . . or let's face it, it is very unlikely I will.  With that grieving came the growing desire to foster. 

I read foster blogs all the time.  Adoption blogs are one of my favorite and not because I happen to be an adoption caseworker but because many adoptions I follow started out by fostering.  I want to foster in the truest sense.  I want to be a safe haven for children who need me.  I know I will be heart broken but it's worth it to me.  Autumn (my 13 year old) also has a desire to foster.  She wants desperately to be a foster sister. 

So why am I not fostering you may ask?  There is a huge obstacle in the way . . . my sister.  I live with my sister in her house with her three kids.  She DOES NOT want to foster.    In order to foster everyone in the house hold needs to agree to do it.  I want to start praying.  My prayer will be either my sister changes her mind or I move out.  Both of these solutions seem impossible but I serve a mountian moving God so anything is possilbe right?