Anyway we had a very intense heart to heart AGAIN last night. Our relationship is very complicated, well not on my end I pretty know what I feel, what I'm ready for but it's complicated on his end and I'm beginning to see it his way. It hurts, it sucks, I'm screaming inside right now!!! However I'm beginning to see his reality and what is going on.
First of all he made a commitment to God in January to be single for a year. Hmmmm how can I even compete with that commitment? Like I said in my other post he is a mess and I'm beginning to believe him. When I asked him last night if he saw a future for us he said, "Amy, I don't see a future for myself, how can I see a future for us?" And that statement is the truth. He does not see a future for himself, that is how broken he is. I see the beauty in him, I see the potential, I see the man God created him to be but he does not . . . yet.
I can't fix him.
What we are doing now is pretending. Pretending is an accurate word to describe "us". We go throughout the day, texting, talking, video chatting, pretending we are in a healthy relationship, but if one of us is unhealthy how healthy could it be?
He is putting up a HUGE RED FLAG for me.
I should be grateful for this. I mean her is a man who cares about me enough to tell me, Amy I'm messed up, it's not the right time for us, I will hurt you if I don't fix myself first. And here I am saying, "I don't care, I want to love you anyway".
What is wrong with me???? Feels like rejection to me. Feels like he is rejecting me. And now that we are this close, now that we do have these deep feelings for each other how do we go back? How do we become "just friends"?
I can't fix him.
Truth is I feel stupid. Stupid for letting him in. Stupid for telling anyone I like him. Stupid for telling him I like him. Stupid for even thinking there was a chance for us. I feel like I have been in this position so many times, stupid, stupid, stupid.
Truth is I'm trusting God. God is in total control. I HATE THAT PART!!! I HATE THAT I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL!!!! UGH!
So here I am.
I don't know what to do with all of this emotion, all this feeling, all this passion.
Yet another lesson from God that He is in control . . . you're killing me God, really your killin' me.