Focus, Focus, Focus
Distraction, Distraction, Distraction
Sunday night I wrestled with myself, it was pretty bad. No matter what I did I could not remain focused on what I wanted to focus on, which was God. I texted two of my good friends who helped me regain my bearings. I tried reading the Bible, I tried to pray, but nothing worked. I was flooded with thoughts of inadequacy, self doubt, and depression. I believe it was spiritual warfare at its best. Finally I did what I know how to do best . . .
I went to sleep.
Well it worked. I was able to quiet my mind and I am sure God was protecting me all night.
This decision about India has been weighing me down. I have sought some great council and have gotten some great advice so far. One consistent piece of advice is "India will always be there".
True, India will always be there, Rayne will not. She will will be off to college on her own before I know it. My good friend Sarah told me that going to India is the cool thing to do, I'll get tons of recognition and I'll feel good. What I won't get credit for and the not so cool thing to do is stay home and spend time with my children. I won't get recognized for telling my daughter she is great, she is wonderful, or that I love her.
This is true.
I found these verses today.
Acts 3:19-21 (Today’s New International Version)
19 Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, 20 and that he may send the Messiah, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus. 21 Heaven must receive him until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through his holy prophets.
What sticks out to me is the word REFRESHING. God will bring refreshment once we repent and turn to HIM. That is pretty cool and pretty encouraging. I could us a little refreshment right about now.
I'm starting to realize that what I wanted out of India I can get right here at home. I wanted a life changing experience. A uncomfortable, soul stretching, intimate encounter with God. After my prayer group on Monday night and a conversation with my Pastor today I'm realizing God can do that with me anywhere, not just India.
I decided that one of the first steps to improving my relationship with Rayne is to tell her I love her before I go to bed. I'm not sure when I stopped doing this but I did and I regret it. I was supposed to start last night but didn't. This might seem simple to you but to me it's huge and I need to make it a habit.
So I'm refocusing, although this blog post has been all over the place, at least in my mind, at least its a start . . .