Saturday, January 22, 2011

Is it God, or Satan?

I'm really struggling right now. 

I was so pumped up to go to India and now I am down right wondering if I should go.  And to top it all off I'm struggling with whether this is coming from God or Satan. 

I have been praying that if it is God he would shut the door completely.  So far the door is still open but it's closing slowly, so I think.

I haven't sent out my support letters, not because I didn't want to but I didn't have the $200 it would cost in postage.  The funny thing is that now I am not sending them because I don't want too, not that I have the money, I don't but because I guess I'm afraid I will get donations and then I will "have" to go.

What I'm feeling is that my family needs me more here then India needs me.  I'm starting to feel selfish to go.  I will be leaving my daughters for 3 weeks.  The big breakthrough is that I'm not so worried about Autumn (my 11 year old) but I'm worried about Rayne (my 17 year old).  I have been feeling like she needs me more than ever.  I also have been feeling like I haven't been there for her. 

I was 19 when I had her.  She grew up with me.  My mom said it the other day on her 17th birthday, "You were like one of the sisters".  She was.  We all lived with my parents, me, Rayne, and my two sisters. 

Everyone was in love with her. 

So why do I feel like I can't remember a lot about bringing her up?  Why do I feel like I was so busy getting my education, first my associates, then my bachelors, then my master's degree?  Why do I feel like I then got pregnant with Autumn and was consumed with her for the next 11 years?  Why do I feel like she hates me?

I'm thinking that 3 weeks away from her is selfish.  I feel like it could be a time to heal, a time to catch up, a time to get to know each other.  Am I wrong?  Am I using this as an excuse?

I just started a new small group at my church.  We are reading " The Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian.  We are two weeks in and it's going to be great, however it's forcing me to admit some things about myself as a mother that I don't want to face. 

Facing things like:
~Frequently I don't like my kids. (I love them, but like??)
~I often work really, really hard at work but not so hard at my family.
~Sometimes I stay at work longer then I need to in order to avoid coming home.
~In the past I have taken way too many trips without my daughters.
~I like taking trips without my daughters.
~I don't listen to my kids.
~I often have a glazed look on my face and just nod "yes".
~I don't feel guilty that they don't have a father around, I actually prefer it that way.

I guess this is a good thing, facing the past, facing the truth, it just feels so raw.  I want to heal.  I want to become a good mother, not a great one but a good one. 

I am often told I am such a good mother. 

Sure, on the outside I am a good mother, a darn good mother, but that's what you all think.  I want to know what my daughters really think.  I know Autumn would say I am, she loves me no matter what I do, but the real test is Rayne.  What would Rayne say? 

I'm interested in how this book and small group is going to change my life and I can't wait!  I want a better relationship with my kids.  They should be the most important thing in my life.  GOD SHOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE.  If HE is, then my relationship with my children will improve and isn't that what it's all about?

I started this post going in a totally different direction.  I'm glad it went astray and focused on my kids, they deserve it. 

Ugh!  I just wish I knew the future. 

Another thing that happened this week is that I hired a new manager.  This is a huge answer to prayer and she will make my life so much easier at work however she needs to take vacation the exact time I would be in India.  Is this a sign?  Is it God?  Is it Satan?

Prayer, I need to talk it over with God.  If you're reading this please pray for me and my decision.  I don't want to make the wrong one.  I don't want to run from God.  I don't want to regret this very important decision.


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