Saturday, January 29, 2011

Black Sheep

Did you ever feel like the black sheep?  No really, like have you ever felt like no one else thinks like you, behaves like you, that you are different?  Did you ever feel like you are a freak?  Like the things you feel and think about no one feels or thinks about?  Like you have all this passion to give, all this love, all this friendship, all this energy but no one else will understand it if you gave it to them? 

This is how I feel most of the time, for most of my life.

I have always felt like the black sheep of my family, of my friends, of my schools, of my work. 

Don't get me wrong, I definitely "fit in".  I'm no social outcast.  I have great friends and family who love me but I feel like my inner being, my soul is different then everyone else's.

Let me take that back.  I have a very small group of friends who "get" me.  Like . . .  really get me.  This is a very small group, maybe even two or three. 

They know:
I love deep.
I hurt deep.
I forgive, a lot.
I see the good in EVERYONE.
I trust way too easily.
I love the messy side of following Jesus.
I love broken, messed up, not perfect people.
I love to be different.
I hate injustice.
I hate racism.
I hate judgementalism (is that a word?).
I love my family.
I struggle to love some family members more than others.
I mess up, all the time, and I admit it.
My heart is broken right now.
I want to save the world.
I am happiest when I'm "doing" something to help others.
I can be friends with just about anyone.
It doesn't bother me that someone has different views than me, different skin color, a different religion, different sexuality, different political stance, a different kind of family, or a different lifestyle.
My job is not to change anyone, my job is to live the TRUTH

Unfortunately my TRUTH right now, this moment, is not TRUTH at all.  It's DEPRESSION.  I have been going through major depression since Sunday.  So much so that I have been crying everyday.

Last night was the worst.  I cried with my friend Tracey in her bed for what seemed like all night.  Then I got home and cried some more.  Thank God for my friends.  My friend Marc gave me this verse to help me through my tough time.  I wrote it on an index card and I keep it in my pocket at all times.

1 Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace,
who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
after you have suffered a little while,
will HIMSELF restore you and make you
strong, firm, and steadfast.

I'm dealing with a lot.  A lot of emotions.  A lot from my past.  I'm trying to get threw it, and I will but it hard. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Not sure I know where that light is but I'm sure it will get closer and closer each day . . .I hope!

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