For most of my life, well let's be honest, for my entire life I have felt like the black sheep. I said this to one of my friends the other day and he gave me that look like, "What? Your nuts". Well yeah I am nuts and I have felt nuts for a long time!
The more I get to know
I dated a guy a couple months ago and he said I'm intense. At first he liked that about me, it was one of the things he was attracted to. He then became a super psychotic, narcissist and the INTENSE part of me was a major turn off to him. He would say, "You're so intense", but in a total negative way. He would make me feel ashamed about being "intense". At first I apologized for being SO "intense" but I now realize I LOVE that part of me! I LOVE being intense.
My feelings are intense.
I love deep.
I feel deep.
I hurt deep.
I care deep.
I laugh hard.
I cry hard.
I work hard.
I play hard.
It's who I am and I refuse to apologize for it. Some day, if God wants me to have a life partner, I will be with a man who LOVES my intensity. I want someone who is just as intense as me.
I think that's why I need to go to India, by myself. I need to learn more about God and in turn learn more about myself. I love who I'm becoming but there is SO much I need to work on. There is so much going through my head.
This I know.
I know that I love God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.
I know that I want to live a life that leads others to Him.
I know that I am not perfect and I never will be.
I know that I suffer from depression but that it's part of me, who I am.
I know I'm beginning to love this part of me, the part that suffers from depression.
I know that God has a super huge plan for my life and my children's lives.
I know that being a parent to a almost 17 year old scares the crap out of me.
I know that I could be a better parent. That I have messed up A LOT.
I know that I eat way too much.
I know that I'm ashamed I have gained weight after having gastric bypass surgery.
I know that this depresses me, A LOT.
I know that my thirst for more in life is a good thing.
I know that I could be a better friend.
I know I have let people down who are close to me.
I know I should love and treat my mom and dad better, they deserve more from me.
I know that one day I will wish I treated my mother with more respect.
I know that lack of forgiveness is at the root of my disrespect.
I know that God loves me . . . just as I am TODAY.
I know that it is very hard for me to BELIEVE what I know.
Sorry for rambling but I felt compelled to start writing again. I try so hard to "blog" so others will find it interesting but the truth is I then don't want to blog at all. I use to write a lot. I use to write poetry specifically. I didn't write for anyone else, it was for me. I still have my poetry books. So tonight I decided to write for me and I'm going to continue to write for me and God. I want Him to fill these pages and if someone decides to read the writings then good but I'm not going to write for the reader anymore. I wanted to write about Autumn and her struggles. I wanted to write about my weight struggle. I wanted to write about my trip to India. The truth is I'm going to write what I feel and if some of those topics come up then so be it.
That's it for now. I'm so tired and it's way past my bed time :).