Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Today was a good day.   I've been trying to pull it together and for the most part I am.  God is working on me and I like it.  I have many, many areas of my life I need to work on but for now God is being patient with me and I love who I'm becoming.  For the first time, well in a really long time, I feel like I'm becoming who I'm suppose to be. 

For most of my life, well let's be honest, for my entire life I have felt like the black sheep.  I said this to one of my friends the other day and he gave me that look like,  "What? Your nuts".  Well yeah I am nuts and I have felt nuts for a long time!

The more I get to know myself God, the more I realize that I am who I'm suppose to be.  That might sound confusing and writing it is confusing me but it's true. 

I dated a guy a couple months ago and he said I'm intense.  At first he liked that about me, it was one of the things he was attracted to.  He then became a super psychotic, narcissist and the INTENSE part of me was a major turn off to him.  He would say, "You're so intense", but in a total negative way.  He would make me feel ashamed about being "intense".  At first I apologized for being SO "intense" but I now realize I LOVE that part of me!  I LOVE being intense. 

My feelings are intense.
I love deep.
I feel deep.
I hurt deep.
I care deep.
I laugh hard.
I cry hard.
I work hard.
I play hard.

It's who I am and I refuse to apologize for it.  Some day, if God wants me to have a life partner, I will be with a man who LOVES my intensity.  I want someone who is just as intense as me. 

I think that's why I need to go to India, by myself.  I need to learn more about God and in turn learn more about myself.  I love who I'm becoming but there is SO much I need to work on.  There is so much going through my head. 

This I know. 
I know that I love God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit.
I know that I want to live a life that leads others to Him.
I know that I am not perfect and I never will be.
I know that I suffer from depression but that it's part of me, who I am.
I know I'm beginning to love this part of me, the part that suffers from depression.
I know that God has a super huge plan for my life and my children's lives.
I know that being a parent to a almost 17 year old scares the crap out of me.
I know that I could be a better parent.  That I have messed up A LOT.
I know that I eat way too much.
I know that I'm ashamed I have gained weight after having gastric bypass surgery.
I know that this depresses me, A LOT.
I know that my thirst for more in life is a good thing.
I know that I could be a better friend.
I know I have let people down who are close to me.
I know I should love and treat my mom and dad better, they deserve more from me.
I know that one day I will wish I treated my mother with more respect.
I know that lack of forgiveness is at the root of my disrespect.
I know that God loves me . . . just as I am TODAY.
I know that it is very hard for me to BELIEVE what I know.

Sorry for rambling but I felt compelled to start writing again.  I try so hard to "blog" so others will find it interesting but the truth is I then don't want to blog at all.  I use to write a lot.  I use to write poetry specifically.  I didn't write for anyone else, it was for me.  I still have my poetry books.  So tonight I decided to write for me and I'm going to continue to write for me and God.  I want Him to fill these pages and if someone decides to read the writings then good but I'm not going to write for the reader anymore.  I wanted to write about Autumn and her struggles.  I wanted to write about my weight struggle.  I wanted to write about my trip to India.  The truth is I'm going to write what I feel and if some of those topics come up then so be it.

That's it for now.  I'm so tired and it's way past my bed time :). 


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