Saturday, February 13, 2010

Heavy Hearted on Valentine's Day

My best friend lost her baby this week. She was 7 weeks pregnant. I can't explain how I feel about this. Her little sister called me with the news. It's been a rough week for all of us but I can't imagine how rough it has been for my friend and her husband.

The good news is we all believe the baby is with Jesus. Some day my friend will be reunited with her wee-one. Will you pray with me? Pray for the healing my friend needs to move on. Pray that God will give her a healthy baby in the near future. Please pray.

I must admit this brings out tons of emotions in me.

GUILT is the biggest emotion right now. I feel guilt for so many different things. Guilt that I am SO fertile. That a man looks at me and I'm impregnated. That at 18 years old I was so irresponsible and got pregnant without even thinking about it. That at 25 my ovulation lined up "just right" on that fateful afternoon in December 1998.

I feel guilty that I can't handle my kids at times. That my 10 year old with Autism drives me to tears, that my depression takes over because parenting her is just too much sometimes. That my 16 year old and I fight, it seems, day and night. If only my friend and the couples I meet who are infertile could go through this. They would kill to go through this.

My part-time job as an adoption caseworker only compounds my guilt at times. I cringe every time a wanting couple asks me about my kids. I cringe when they ask, "How old?". When I reveal I have a 16 year old I always get the "shocked" look, and the standard response of, "You don't look like you could have a 16 year old." To which I have to answer, "Yes I was VERY young when I had her".


I also have guilt because I'm feeling depressed lately. I'm actually going nuts. The space I created with my boyfriend is killing me. And if I'm honest the last few days I have not created space but have suffocated him with emails, phone calls, and texts.

It seems he now is the one who wants space.

He's right but me in my female-hormonal induced craziness is now going nuts. I now am yearning for his company, his voice, his touch. I now want him with me.

But what about the Holy Spirit? What about what HE revealed to me over the toilet? Have I forgotten all that?


I hate myself for this. Why am I not running to Christ? Why am I not having FAITH? Why am I not putting my love life in the hands of my FATHER?


My best friend is broken hearted. I "think" I'm broken hearted, but really compared to her pain I am not.

I have some soul searching to do. I have to talk to God. I have to run to HIM instead of picking up the phone, or typing an email, or texting a message. I have to pick up His Word. Search for the answeres. Find the clarity I'm looking for. I need to get rid of this GUILT.

So this Valentine's Day it looks like I'm alone. I suppose it's the best way for me to be right now.


But really . . . am I?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

what an honest post. thank you for sharing it.