Thursday, February 18, 2010


My best friend when to the doctor today for a follow-up visit to confirm she really did have a blighted ovum. Last week when they did the ultrasound there was no baby :(. There was the embryonic sac but no baby. Today they would decide what to do, induce the miscarriage with drugs or have her go for a D&C.

Over the past 7 days my friend has been going crazy with emotions. But something very significant happened. First of all she was prayed over by some very powerful prayer warriors. Second of all God is in control, we are not.



Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Car Wash

Rayne was in a play this weekend. She truly is a natural. Never nervous. Just get's up there and turns it on!!!! Here is a snipit of her act.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Heavy Hearted on Valentine's Day

My best friend lost her baby this week. She was 7 weeks pregnant. I can't explain how I feel about this. Her little sister called me with the news. It's been a rough week for all of us but I can't imagine how rough it has been for my friend and her husband.

The good news is we all believe the baby is with Jesus. Some day my friend will be reunited with her wee-one. Will you pray with me? Pray for the healing my friend needs to move on. Pray that God will give her a healthy baby in the near future. Please pray.

I must admit this brings out tons of emotions in me.

GUILT is the biggest emotion right now. I feel guilt for so many different things. Guilt that I am SO fertile. That a man looks at me and I'm impregnated. That at 18 years old I was so irresponsible and got pregnant without even thinking about it. That at 25 my ovulation lined up "just right" on that fateful afternoon in December 1998.

I feel guilty that I can't handle my kids at times. That my 10 year old with Autism drives me to tears, that my depression takes over because parenting her is just too much sometimes. That my 16 year old and I fight, it seems, day and night. If only my friend and the couples I meet who are infertile could go through this. They would kill to go through this.

My part-time job as an adoption caseworker only compounds my guilt at times. I cringe every time a wanting couple asks me about my kids. I cringe when they ask, "How old?". When I reveal I have a 16 year old I always get the "shocked" look, and the standard response of, "You don't look like you could have a 16 year old." To which I have to answer, "Yes I was VERY young when I had her".


I also have guilt because I'm feeling depressed lately. I'm actually going nuts. The space I created with my boyfriend is killing me. And if I'm honest the last few days I have not created space but have suffocated him with emails, phone calls, and texts.

It seems he now is the one who wants space.

He's right but me in my female-hormonal induced craziness is now going nuts. I now am yearning for his company, his voice, his touch. I now want him with me.

But what about the Holy Spirit? What about what HE revealed to me over the toilet? Have I forgotten all that?


I hate myself for this. Why am I not running to Christ? Why am I not having FAITH? Why am I not putting my love life in the hands of my FATHER?


My best friend is broken hearted. I "think" I'm broken hearted, but really compared to her pain I am not.

I have some soul searching to do. I have to talk to God. I have to run to HIM instead of picking up the phone, or typing an email, or texting a message. I have to pick up His Word. Search for the answeres. Find the clarity I'm looking for. I need to get rid of this GUILT.

So this Valentine's Day it looks like I'm alone. I suppose it's the best way for me to be right now.


But really . . . am I?

Friday, February 12, 2010


Rayne Theodora Bailey Trouwborst

16 Years

I can not believe it.

You are so beautiful. So smart. So funny.

You hold my heart. My first born. My baby.

I can not imagine what the next 16 years will bring!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What I am thankful for . . . today

1) . . . for my late grandmother Lillian. I miss her a lot lately . . . I loved her so much.
2) . . . for my sister and her generosity. She opened her house to me and my kids and it truly feels like home.
3) . . . for my job. Although I don’t always appreciate it I am thankful for what I do and my ability to do it.
4) . . . for sugar-free Kool-Aid. I had no clue it was so good!!!!!!
5) . . . for my friends, who love me no matter how many times I screw up.
6) . . . for Autumn. She is truly UNIQUE and a blessing straight from Heaven.
7) . . . for Rayne. She is a vision of beauty . . . really . . . have you seen a recent picture of this kid?
8) . . . for Rayne’s father Frazz. We don’t always get along but he is a blessing.
9) . . . for music. It feeds my soul.
10) . . . for the Bible. I take it for granted . . . every day.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Sunday, February 7, 2010


It has snowed here.

And snowed.

And snowed . . .

And did I mentioned SNOWED!!!!!

Autumn hasn't minded! In fact she loves the snow and it provides tons of "heavy work" for her to do which helps her tremendously with all her sensory issues!!!!! She has the same reaction to sand and water. Put her on a beach or in a pool and she is in hog heaven!!!!!!

I recently went to a workshop on Autism and the psychologist who spoke emphasized how important it was to take care of our children's sensory issues first. I agree whole heartily. Autumn can not function when her sensory issues are not taken care of, and you don't want to be around when she short circuits!!! So for the next few days she will enjoy the snow, and our house will be a little quieter!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Still listening

I'm still listening to God. My stomach has recovered but my heart has not. You see the guy I have "created space" with was well a great guy. I thought he was the one. Maybe he still is, IF God wants him to be. All I know is God wants me to step away. Remarkably I feel really good about it. I mean don't get me wrong I'm going through withdrawal.

Me and my guy use to talk several times a day so not having that is strange.

But guess what? I have clarity again. For the first time in 3 months it's clear that God had a HUGE calling he wants me to fulfill. I just know it.

Foster care is one of the callings. I don't know when and I have a feeling it's years from now but I know I will be a foster parent. I can't wait! This morning God told me I would be and the exciting part is that He also revealed to me that Autumn will be greatly involved. This makes sense since she loves babies. She might be socially challenged but she loves holding and caring for babies. I have a feeling we are going to be a great team for Christ some day!!!!!

Well I have to go . . . there's a big storm heading my way . . . good time to LISTEN to what God has to say . . . just me and 2 feet of snow!!!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Listening to God through vomit and diarrhea

Do you believe God speaks to you? I mean really speaks to you?

I want to talk to you honestly. I'm afraid I have not been that honest in my blogs, maybe it's because I fear you will judge me, whoever "you" maybe that is reading this. Perhaps I am afraid I will offend someone, as I have in the past over my blog. Perhaps I'm afraid to really let "me" shine through. The truth is I'm tired. The truth is I don't think I can afford not to be honest on here. I have always been a writer. In high school and college I wrote poetry to show the world my "truth". After I graduated from college I stopped writing, not for lack of material but perhaps lack of time? I had 2 small children when I graduated with my masters so with a 6 year old and a newborn I stopped writing.

So anyway on to what I was asking you. Do you believe God speaks to you? If I'm honest I don't think I truly believed that . . . until this weekend.

God brought me to my knees. Literally, over the toilet bowl, on my knees, puking up my intestines. He had me sitting on the toilet as well, not only did I have a stomach virus that made me throw-up the contents of my stomach for 20 hours straight,He also blessed me with diarrhea for 48 hours straight. God spoke to me.

I know it might seem totally bizarre to some people that God would choose to speak to me through such a disgusting bodily function as vomiting and diarrhea but the truth is He did, He was there. In fact before I realized it was Him I was actually crying out to Him, "Why me, Lord, what did I do?"

You see in that moment the Holy Spirit spoke to me. Literally spoke to me. He told me to "Step Back" . . . "Create Space". I've been dating a great guy. This weekend we spent some time together. Then I got deathly ill . . . yes God was telling me to take a break from this relationship.

Now I could have resisted.

I could have told myself I was crazy to think that a stomach virus was the Holy Spirit speaking.

I could have told myself, I'm just sick, it will pass, he's a great guy.

I could have not listened.

But guess what????

I have chosen to listen. I have chosen to go with my gut . . . well go with the Holy Spirit.

I listened. I told him I needed space.

Then I cried. And cried, and cried. But guess what, God is with me. He knows what is in store for me and I'm willing to take the chance that Holy Spirit spoke to me.

It's pretty exciting. Really, scary. Pretty amazing. Pretty hurtful. Pretty raw. Pretty real.

So does God speak to you?