Saturday, September 5, 2009

I want to LIKE Autumn

So you know how I've been depressed lately right? Well throw in a little 9 year old autistic child and mix it together and what do you get????? A BIG MESS!!!!!

Last night I hit rock bottom. I was extremely depressed, teary eyed, and irritable. . . . did I mention I was irritable???? Every little thing annoyed me . . . I mean EVERYTHING!

Autumn was in rare form as well which mixed wonderfully with my depressed state. Everything annoyed her as well. She was wining, moaning, banging stuff around. She was extremely rigid. EVERYTHING had to go her way. I did not like her. It is hard for me to admit it. Does anyone else "not like" their kids sometimes? I love her but I do not like her right now. Can I be honest? Everything she does annoys me. I have no patience for her right now. Discipline? How the heck am I supposed to keep calm, count to 3, put her in time out, and listen to her moan, hit, scream, drool, and cry while in time out?

The other night she wanted to go with my sister Hilary, we live with her and Autumn has recently become extremely attached to her. So we were at the baseball field Hilary was leaving and Autumn wanted to go with her. Hilary said ok but then Autumn decided she didn't want to give Riley's ball back. She refused. I counted to 3 and told her if I got to 3 she would not go with Hilary. She decided to moan and cry and hold on to the ball instead of going with Hilary. We got in the car and she moaned and moaned and moaned and it ate right through my brain. I wanted to scream!!!!

Last night was so annoying too. I finally grabbed her arm and said she was going to bed. I put her to bed at 8pm which is early for the weekend. I could hear her moaning through the ceiling. She eventually fell asleep as I cried upstairs.

I went to sleep and woke up feeling like a ton of bricks has hit me.

Depression sucks.

Autism sucks even more.

Hopefully I will grow out of this soon. I have to. I can't go on not liking my daughter. I love her with all my heart but I desire to LIKE her again.

1 comment:

Lyndsay said...

I know I can't relate completely, but I totally get not liking your kids. I go through it with C more often than I would like to admit. Which makes me feel awful. I never expected that as a parent. Where the love never goes away, but the like can fade. And the lot of it is worse when you feel like you are hitting rock bottom. I hear you.... I don't have a single word of advice, but I hear you. Well, read you. :)