Friday, September 4, 2009
i'm not sure
For the past month I have not been myself. I think my depression is getting the best of me. Usually I have it under control. Usually my medication works just fine. Usually, about once a month, my mood dips down low (hormonal I think), and then it comes right back up within a week. "Usually" is not happening this month. I'm low and have stayed low for the past 4 weeks. I don't want to be defeated by this big blue monster, so I wake up every day and I put one foot in front of the other (isn't that a song in like Rudolph or something?).
I mean my life is not bad. My job sucks right now just because I'm stressed but when is my job ever simple? Financially I'm okay. Do I wish I had more money, sure, but I'm okay, my bills are being paid, my needs are met. My kids are okay. Rayne is great, I feel like her and I are close and we have a pretty good relationship considering she's a teenager. Autumn is doing better, she still has her issues but she is better. My family is okay. My church is okay. I guess every thing is okay.
But can I be honest here? I feel like crap. At this very instant I want to cry. I wish I could go to bed and stay there. If I didn't have kids to take care of that's were I would be . . . literally . . . I want to go to bed and not get out for a very, very long time. There as been only one time that I have actually gotten to the point of what it felt like no return. I asked my mom to take my kids, I couldn't take care of them. She did. I sat at home with my best friend and just cried. Then I went to bed and slept and slept and slept.
I've got a question? Is my depression directly connected to my sin? I'm thinking it is. I'm thinking that my sin is keeping me trapped in my depression right now. This is not always the case. I do believe I am clinically depressed and that it is definitely chemical HOWEVER I also believe it can be spiritual. So am I willing to give up my sin in order to feel better?
i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . . i'm not sure . . .
and that is the truly scary part . . .