Tuesday, April 14, 2009

If it weren't for Jesus . . .

If it weren’t for Him . . .
I would be crippled with my depression, physically hurting myself, attempting to numb the pain. Instead, I believe God when he says He loves me. I no longer hurt myself but live in the freedom that only He can provide. Yes I still have my down days, yes I see professionals who help me with my battle and yes I even take medication to help me with the fight, but if it weren’t for Him, none of this would be possible. And I know I would not be standing here before you today, I know this is true.

If it weren’t for Him . . .
I wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters, I would have chosen to end their tiny lives long before they saw the light of day. At 18 years old, so scared and lonely, as I sat in my dorm room I would have chosen a different fate for my Rayne Theodora. I would have taken the advice of a friend to drive to a clinic she had used a year before. I would have ended her life. And look at her, 15, beautiful, accomplished, a child of God, alive. And at 25 years old, definitely in shock, filled with pure, unfiltered shame, filled with anger, filled with hate. I could have very, very easily chosen to end a life I knew nothing about. I did not know her, or see her, no one had to know that I messed up again, or that I was taken advantage of. But because of Him I chose the hard road, I chose to face my fears, face the shame, face the hate, face the hypocrites that supported me when everything looked good but then cast stones at me when my sins were visible. And here she is, my Autumn Grace, look at her, 9, beautiful, wonderful, a child of God who made the choice to be baptized in His name this year. If it weren’t for Him.


If it weren’t for Him . . .
I would be shackled by the hate and anger I had for a father who during my childhood sometimes drank too much and a mother who covered it up with secrets. I wouldn’t be able to love my father for who he is and see that he was forgiven by Christ so why not by me? I wouldn’t be about to accept my mother for who she is, to realize that I cannot change her, I can only change myself. I admit it was easier to forgive my father than my mother but I love her and if it weren’t for Him my children would not have a relationship with their fantastic, God-fearing grandparents.

If it weren’t for Him . . .
I wouldn’t know you, I wouldn’t know true love, I wouldn’t know how to love back. I wouldn’t know community or what it means to call someone a true friend. I wouldn’t have The Best Group Ever to go to every Tuesday night. To pray with, to read the Bible with, to stretch each other, to refine each other, to make each other think. To do laundry for each other, to cook for each other, to clean for each other, to talk each other down from a mouse sighting, to laugh with one another, to cry with one another. To get mad at one another and work through the madness and anger instead of ending the relationship. To do what Jesus would do instead of what we want to do. If it weren’t for Him I would not know what this crazy community would be. I wouldn’t have women I could send an S.O.S. out to because I am just feeling so, so low. I wouldn’t have those same woman come to my house to check up on me to see if I’m still alive, or to show up at my work with balloons and gifts to try to get a smile out of me. If it weren’t for Him I would not have this community.

If it weren't for HIM . . .

3 comments:

Larissa said...

what a beautiful testimony. :)

Amy P. (fear of mice) said...

Love you!!! This is beautiful and I am so glad you posted it!! Don't ever get rid of this testimony!

Trouwbottom said...

LOL!!!! Thanks "Fear of Mice" I love you!!!!