Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Cancer Sucks . . . . Life is a Gift

So I've been hesitating blogging for the past few days. I don't know why but I have been heavy hearted. I have been updating my nieces care page so that has been my main focus but it also has brought to the for front how blessed I am.

Cancer sucks. It seems like more and more people I know are affected by it. Personally my family has been affected by cancer twice. Both my grandfathers died of cancer. My paternal grandfather, Theodore Trouwborst, died of lung cancer when I was 18 and pregnant with Rayne. Lung cancer is a gruesome and painful death. He went on hospice and died at home with his wife and all his children around him. Even back then I was okay with death. I never really thought about it until right now but the same skills I have now as a social worker I had back then. I sat by his side, I cleaned his house, I pulled resources together, I helped change him, and I was there for my family when they needed me to be. My maternal grandfather died about 5 years ago, he had a tumor on his neck that went to his brain. His battle was very quick and because he had a bad heart he went to bed one night and never woke up. He was living with my mom and dad at the time.

This year I was particularly affected by Misty LeBlanc's life and fight with cancer. Her husband's blog caught my eye one day and I have read it everyday since.
It turns out that Misty and I went to the same small Christian school together. She was about 6 years younger than me so I do not remember her much. We went to Central Jersey Christian School which has since closed down. She was the best friend of the little sister of one of my classmates who I graduated High School with. This couple's faith through Misty's battle with cancer rocked my world, literally. Toward the end of her struggle I became a fervent prayer warrior. I would pray out loud, I would pray in the shower, I would pray while driving. At one point I emailed my closest family and friends to tell them about how Misty's life had been affecting me. My friend Pina started reading the blog and shared my concern and empathy for Misty. When Misty conquered cancer and went to be with our Almighty God, Pina and I went to her celebration service together. The church was packed. They had an awesome band playing praise and worship music, that time was beautiful.

I have two people from the church I grew up in and went to school with that have also been affected by cancer and in turn have affected me. Michelle lost her precious son Malcolm to cancer a couple of years ago.
Malcolm's fight and his family's faith was amazing. I am still blown away by how faithful Michelle and her husband were througout this who ordeal. I am so blown away by their faith today.

Kim is currently fighting the battle with her son Nicholas. Their faith in God is remarkable and the angels and warriors that are battling with this family is unbelievable.
I'm not sure I understand why these children have to suffer and die. Or why anyone has to get cancer. It just seems like life is hard. Like it's harder than usual. I'm sure each generation before me felt the same way but I now know way too many people who are suffering or have died from cancer.

My niece's suffering is not cancer and I praise God for that every day but it's sad that every time one of my kids or friends kids or niece or nephew get ill . . . in the back of my mind I think cancer first. I know God's will is perfect. I know He is in control. I know that He is the one that spoke the world into existence but sometimes I don't believe. Sometimes my heart does not match my brain. Sometimes I want to scream that there is so much suffering and that little innocent children suffer everyday. I also feel guilty some days. I feel guilty that mothers are getting the bad news from doctors that there is nothing they can do to save their child's life, that fathers have to take their sons and daughters home to take their last breath. I feel guilty that I am burdened with my daughter's diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, I feel guilty that although she will have a life long struggle at least she has a life! I feel guilty that my family has been suffering so much with Riley's crisis but that at least she didn't have brain cancer!

I have learned that I have a heavy heart and an old soul. I know myself now and I'm trying to accept who I am and become prideful of the woman I have become. I know for a fact that I am affected by life much more than most people. I have always felt like the black sheep in many situations. I always wonder . . . "Doesn't anyone else feel this way?" Luckily I have found a few who do. I have found some who think the way I do, who take on the burdens of those who are suffering. Who can weep at a funeral of a woman I didn't even really know. God has given me a good heart. I am filled with passion, and I am learning to be proud of that. I have often hidden my passion but I am learning to fly high now.

These verses in Matthew have stood out to me lately and have given me comfort. I know I kind of rambled on today and I'm not even happy with this blog entry, it does not give my heart or mind justice, I just can't get it all out at once but I needed to start. So here it is!

Matthew 11:27-29 (New International Version)
27"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.


Amy P. said...

Well, T., I understand you completely and the word to describe you and I is compassionate! When those around me suffer, even if I don't speak it, I FEEL the suffering right along with them. Tonight I am feeling the suffering of Winter and Connor and for the past week I have felt it for you and your family, particularly Riley. Compassion is in our blood and the Lord made us this way!

Winter Family said...

Yeah I be compassionae too!!!!!We feel for people and thats our strong suits!!!!